This Girl's Worth

So you finally gather the strength to end the relationship. Love with a narcissist is not a normal love, it’s an addiction. They have the ability to make you feel as though you are their entire world, sweep you off of your feet, and they seem at times so gentle, sweet, and tender.

They also have the ability to make you feel as though there’s something wrong with you.  If it was up to them, you would believe you’re always tripping, how you react to their narcissistic abuse is your problem, and the very fact that you’re not who you used to be is a constant reminder of that.

By now, you no longer believe their twisted, diluted sense of reality. You see the bad in this relationship far outweighs the good.

When the relationship turns bad, which is usually when you begin to ask things from narcissists that require intimacy, you hold them accountable, and you stop accepting manipulation and deceit, they begin to shut you out.

Naturally, since narcissistic relationships are incredibly dehumanizing and invalidating, breaking up is the only logical explanation.

When you make the decision to break up with a narcissistic, if this isn’t the first time, the narcissist might be ridiculously calm. At this point, any real sense of intimacy or connection has already been cut off from you. Still, part of you might want them to open up and talk to you because they meant something to you. The narcissist is not this emotionally mature. Instead they are dramatic. They will either respond with being ridiculously stoic, in denial, or will shower you with love. They will, at some point, react with rage, even though you both knew where this was heading.
However, unless you decide to completely cut off this narcissistic person, what happens after the breakup is far more detrimental than the relationship. Narcissists get more abusive if you’ve broken up with them because they feel out of control. You didn’t breakup to control them, but narcissists can’t interpret the difference. Breaking up with them is about their ego, not the truth, which is that the relationship is miserable for you, and it seems miserable for them too.

The narcissist will likely disappear little by little. When you interact with them, they will still treat you as though they want you. They will go overboard to make you feel as though you are their world.

At this point, you know that feeling isn’t real, but you’re used to the addiction, so you will desire to reason with them, and talk things through. For the narcissist, this won’t fly. They will do their best to convince you that the only way a new relationship can develop is if you let go of the past to accept a new version of them, the version you’ve always wanted, needed and had been asking for.

They have changed, things won’t be the same. You just need to forgive and forget. It sounds tempting! You’ll finally be able to get everything you want. It will just cost you your soul and a half.

Since I am specifying, the article will now use the pronoun he. Use the pronoun that is specific to your situation.

As soon as you will not accept his little fairytale, he will distance himself. This process will repeat a few times until he cuts you off or you cut him off.

He will shower you with sweet words, touches, and when you’re around him (if you choose to see him), he will be so sweet, you’ll doubt yourself. Maybe he has changed. Maybe the relationship will be completely different. Maybe I was tripping, they aren’t really like what I imagined in my head. Maybe I was the toxic one.

Then out of nowhere, he will disappear again. You rationalize the behavior. It’s not like we are together anyway. He’s just busy, I know how focused he is. Meanwhile, your head is filled with doubts. Why isn’t he talking to me? How was he being so nice and then all of a sudden, he seems so far away? Maybe I should cut him out of my life, but I can’t, he was so sweet. He really is changing. Breakups are hard, so I understand if he holds back because technically we’re not together.

Yet, the little he gave you was exactly what you’ve been asking for, so of course, you want more. You need this consistently and that’s just enough for you to get roped back in, head over heels. It finally looks like all the tears and hard years will pay off.

Well, wash, rinse, repeat. At some point, you will get tired of this cycle and attempt to set up boundaries. Once you do, the narcissist will explain himself rationally. He will remind you of how much he loves you and desires you. He wants to be with you and misses you terribly. I knew it. I was just tripping, he still loves me, I still love him, maybe things can work out.

You didn’t break up with the narcissist because you no longer loved him, you broke up because you were tired of the abuse. Once you open up and show that you also desire to reconnect, the narcissist will make his big move. In his mind, this whole time, he’s been trying to find a way to win.

He’s had you on a wheel and you’re just waiting for him to make things right. However, instead of reconnecting, he does his disappearing act. This time, it’s for good. He randomly decides to cut you off, maybe there’s a new girl, or just flat out tells you he’s moving on. There will be no emotional connection. There will be no closure. There will be no explanation. The last you knew, he was still in love with you and you both wanted to be together when the time was right.

All this time, he’s been stringing you along. He knew you broke up with him because you needed more from him, so he showed you he could give you more, so you’d want more and then completely ripped it away.

It’s devastating nonetheless, but he’s apart of thousands of other narcissists who do the same thing. Don’t personalize it. It was probably the same with all of his exes. He knows no different.

Dr. Ramani, world renowned expert on narcissism calls this cycle: discard, love bomb, discard, love bomb, and then discard. Whether you recognize it or not, it’s the same cycle of abuse you experienced in your entire relationship. He’d loop you in and then distance himself. It probably drove you crazy, because he gave you just a little but never enough.

The narcissist probably feels like he won. He may have even convinced himself he’s moving on from toxicity, sure, it was the toxicity he caused, but he needs to remove you from his life to receive more or better. He might have even started talking negatively about you from the grapevine. Of course, he will highlight your most negative attributes. Please remember to not define yourself by however your mind and body responded to abuse.

The truth is, you’re the one who “won”. The narcissist leaving you alone is the best thing that could have happened to you. He did the hardest part of removing yourself from the toxicity. You don’t have to worry about his inconsistencies, lies, manipulation, confusion, the self doubt his actions caused you. For the first time, you have a real shot in finding genuine love and connection.

Now, they are out of your life. Now, you have to start the process of cleansing yourself. It will be a long one. Your mind is still used to being manipulated and tortured so you’re going to have to work hard to not blame yourself and discover a new normal where you can trust yourself.

Now, don’t be surprised if they somehow pop up or try to contact you again once you’re in a new relationship. They happen to peak at your social media and you look a little too good. Just remember to remain as unbothered as they were throughout your relationship and when they dropped you like a cup of poison.

Stay strong. Relax, relate, release. ❤️