I’m naturally a leader. I always have been. I’m naturally always being called to the front, even when I want to stay in the back. People see things in me, or things come easily for me that others have to learn. It is true that some people are born leaders.
Yet, I don’t enjoy it. What feels right for me is being go-with-the-flow. I don’t enjoy telling others what to do. I don’t enjoy always having to have the answers.I don’t enjoy having to make decisions for everyone. It takes the joy out of experiences. It makes me short tempered and executional in communication. I’m too busy planning and not enjoying when I really want to be partaking and experiencing.
Yet, time and time again, this is what’s expected of me. Even on outings, people look to me for guidance. I try to embrace it, but ultimately, I’m left tired.
I’ve even tried to combat it. I’ve consciously done nothing to see how others would rise to the occasion, and people would still either look to me for guidance in some way or things just wouldn’t get done. Sigh. Sometimes, I just want to show up to the party, not have to help plan it too.
It’s the downside of being reliable. People understand you would get it done, and so they keep relying on you.
In the back of my mind, I never think about wanting to be the leader and having authority or control. In fact, it sounds exhausting. Instead, I think about taking accountability and lifting burdens off of others. Sometimes, I feel that being the adult in the room works against me in a room of adults. I became in charge of organizing and fixing problems I don’t want.
Sometimes, I just don’t want to think. I don’t want to have to stay in high functioning executive mode all.the.time.
I get accused of being in a bad mood or being short with others when mentally, I’m fatigued. I have no children and no husband, yet I am in go mode all the time. Not even doing things I love, but things somehow required of me.
I am simply tired of playing that role. I’m tired of fighting to say no. It’s creating such a disconnect because I know who God says I am, but living in this place doesn’t allow me to be her.
I don’t want to be the responsive, moral, organized, executive, polished, composed, responsible, and accountable one all the time.
I see so many women who get put down for operating in that way, and all I can say is you have no idea how many women are desperately forced to be this and have no desire to be. I’m fighting for different. I’m fighting to maintain my peace. I’m fighting to maintain my sense of calm and ease. Just know, it is absolutely a fight.
With love,
Domonique
This Girl's Worth 