I’ve always heard the statement in the reverse, “Women don’t like nice guys.” I’ve always known this to be untrue. Usually it’s some man who gets rejected by women for a more masculine man saying this. In general, women are more attracted to masculine men as men are more attracted to feminine women. I heard for the first time recently, “Men just don’t like nice women. How else would you explain how the worst women date the best men?”My friend and I joked about how every couple we know, if the woman is unpleasant, the man is usually a great guy. The reverse is also true. If the woman is amazing, then the man is pretty much a dirtbag.
So I went to the School of Psychology and Sociology (Google) to find some answers to this phenomena. I searched, “Do men like nice girls?” and the general consensus was no. The main reasons I saw on Quora and Reddit, nice girls are boring, easy, vulnerable, gullible, and weak. People equate nice to lack of confidence. I found that observation to be far-reaching and wild. I’ve been told I was too nice before, so maybe this was triggering for me, or maybe because I felt it was far reaching because nice people tend to enjoy more consistency in their life. People actually like them. People tolerate mean people and who wants that.
My guess is that because most men are possessive, they assume that nice women are easy to access and less of a challenge. I remember one dating experience I had, I was light, fun, easy going and laughed a lot in the beginning. Of course I didn’t interrogate him or make anything a challenge for him. I wasn’t invested. I was just getting to know him and deciding if I like him. He always called me, “nice, easy going, sweet.” Once we started dating he said, “You’re not as nice as I thought. You’re definitely feisty.” I don’t feel like I’m fiesty, but I’m not a weak minded person. I can have a balance of letting my guard down and going with the flow and also holding my own, giving you a taste of your own medicine if you keep trying me. Men are often surprised I’m not as sweet, innocent, and gullible. I’ve had some men get intrigued, and some lose interest. I’m the nice girl in my friend group and the one with the most boundaries and the least amount of dating experience, so not so sure of men’s assessment here. I tolerate the least amount of mess.
I’ve known women who appear mean and demanding who are absolute marshmallows. I have a friend who when I first met, she had to have things her way. Once she got married, she completely let her husband control all aspects of her life. From what I know, her husand is a decent guy, but it was quite the surprise to find that once she was in a relationship, she became more and more aggreeable, doing whatever her husand wanted.
On the other end, I know an older women who will leave a man the first time he cheated. This older woman is very kind and giving, very supportive of the men she has been with and she told me directly, “If a man ever stops working and won’t get another job, you leave him. I don’t care if ya’ll married or not.” That was the nice version. To my knowledge, she has never dated a man who hasn’t financially provided for her. She’s always been with good men. Men who love her, treat her well, and who provide for her. This woman cooks and cleans, but her standards are as high as the sky. She doesn’t understand a man making excuses and there’s little room for big mistakes.
You can’t judge a woman from the first few months because woman are complicated and multi-layered. A good woman is diplomatic but also carries herself with dignity. She assesses if a situation makes sense before she reveals her cards. The same men who called me nice and easy going got to know me a little more and eventually couldn’t meet my standards. They eventually gave up or I cut them off. I didn’t have to be mean, rude, or ghost them. I listened enough to know they weren’t what I was looking for and I moved on accordingly.
At some point as a woman, I have to decide am I desperate enough to care about what men feel or think when it comes to they types of women they like. As a Christian, I aimed to be a Godly woman: loving, caring, respectful, domestic, prudent, protective, graceful, and seeking to please God and if some man can’t see the value in that because I come across as “nice”, not wild enough or fun enough, then honestly, who cares? I’m just not that desperate.
People are afraid in today’s world. People have all of these dating rules and categories they put others in to pretend they know what they are doing. 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, yet everyone’s dating and if you aren’t, something is wrong with you. Everyone is doing what they think makes sense but one thing I remind myself is not all movement is progress. Tune out the world and be the best version of who you are. For me, that means protecting my ability to love by being selective and healing the parts of my heart that are afraid of failure.
I won’t change my personality to fit the trend. Women were told to be agreeable, sweet, loving, and physical 20 years ago. Now nice girls finish last, and women need to think like men but act like women. When will the rotating advice end? Never, which is why we take the reins in our own hands and tune out the world. Being a person of love and a person who has joy will never go out of style.
This Girl's Worth 