This is exactly what I planned for. I worked on my mental health, my inner peace, I crafted a life that would allow me to have peace and flexibility. I really just have to worry about myself. I can buy myself what I want. I can travel if I wanted to, and yet, sometimes I sit in my apartment with the fireplace on, watching one of my favorite shows, thinking about the goals of my future and thinking, “Is my life boring? It is going to be like this, forever? If it was, would I hate it? My only stress is my job and trying to figure out what I’m going to invest in to set up my retirement. Quiet is good, but sometimes it feels too quiet.
Sometimes, my mind will ruminate just because. I’m assuming it’s lack of stimulation. In the middle of thought, I will tell myself aloud, “you don’t care about this, like at all.” My mind will move on, humming Thundercat or Silk Sonic.
Sometimes I sit in my house in the quiet, the windows pulled back and the sun beaming on my skin as I watch the sun go down and I think to myself, “I’m way too used to my solitude. I see how people get stuck in their ways.” Once you finally find peace, it becomes addictive. If you’re not used to peace, it can feel wrong. You can almost convince yourself to wait for the pin the drop. I reject it, telling myself, you wanted this, why think bad has to follow good. Doesn’t the Bible say God gives blessing without sorrow? Can you accept the blessing without expecting sorrow?
I have to remind myself of what I wanted 3 years ago. At that time, I wanted nothing but to feel peace within myself. I wanted to have my own sanctuary that no one else could take away. I wanted to just love myself in the mirror in every angle, even if I wasn’t at my best because I know it doesn’t help to hate the body you have to exist in at every moment. I wanted to know that I was worthy, even if I wasn’t perfect. I look at my life now and I say, you did that. All the nights you cried to yourself, to a pillow, to God. The times you wrote letters you couldn’t finish. The times you recorded a video that you deleted because you wanted to inspire healing and not hatred. The times you set your boundaries when you didn’t want to. It landed you here, a life with no drama, a life where you aren’t being traumatized. A life where your mind is quiet.
What’s so beautiful about this space is that I can create the chaos I want to add in my life and know that I found equilibrium within myself. One day I’ll add a family, running my own business and brand. I’ll create my own version of chaos that will bring me peace, and I’ll look back at now and say to myself when it feels overwhelming, “God answered your prayers. You worked to be here,a life where you are not being traumatized, and now this blessing that you built, that God gave you, is yours to love and enjoy.”
When I lay down at the end of the day, with my husband, in the house we bought, and kids are sleep, and the dishwasher’s going, I’ll remember my life is boring after all, but it’s an intentional one, filled with love and meaning and everything I prayed to God for.
This Girl's Worth 