This Girl's Worth

Let me be the example of what happens when you break no contact. I do not recommend it. I’ve done it twice now, responding to the hoovers. The first time, I was unaffected, the second time, I was triggered.

The narcissist reached out to me in July of last year and it was like waking the sleeping dead. It opened the floodgates of negative emotions. He wanted to be “friends”. All I could see was how hard I worked to find myself after the narcissist, and I was happy and at peace. Then he contacted me and I was annoyed, frustrated, exhausted, and without words. We never had a closure conversation, so I kept feeling like there was something left I needed to say but I couldn’t. I’m not good with less is more in general, but the last interaction I had with the narcissist made me regret even replying to him at all.

We actually met up at a restaurant to “talk” and I was proud of myself for holding my own, refusing the let him in without him giving an account of how he’s changed. Of course, like a narcissist, his response was for me to let him in and see how he has changed. I rejected that. I’m sure in his mind, I just saw the worst version of him, so I believe the worst about him. He doesn’t see himself as an abusive person needing to actively work on himself to change. In his mind, I just need to change the way I view him. His choice to abuse and manipulate wasn’t the real problem. Yeah, right!

Even though we didn’t become friends because he did not apologize and could not speak to how he’s changed, it made me reflect. Of course, as I went down memory lane, since I have empathy and compassion, I can see mistakes I made while I was with the narcissist. I remember my anger and the cruel things I said in arguments towards the end of the relationship. Some things were downright emotionally abusive and petty. I know I was responding to the abuse, but I never want to hurt anyone I love and it hurts me that I ever said anything to hurt him or cause him pain intentionally.

For years I couldn’t bring myself to apologize because the narcissist would weaponize my vulnerability. He tried so hard to convince me I was the problem. I had to become “blameless” in order to starve him of weapons and protect myself. You try to take accountability with a narcissist for your part, you end up being the matyr.

It isn’t my character to be so negative and confrontational, so it tore me up inside to stoop so low. I’d cry myself to sleep feeling so outside of myself and I saw his heart break with each minimizing word. If I thought he was mean before, he was incredibly cold once I started fighting back on his level.

To make matters worse, after we broke up, he ramped up the emotional abuse trying to get me to break my boundaries so he can reverse break up with me. He never apologized for the specific things he did in the relationship or after, so him popping up after 3 years asking to be friends was particularly offensive.

Even though I was offended, I was also triggered. Out of sight, out of mind, but with the hoover, it brought up again that we never had a closure conversation. Oddly enough, I didn’t necessarily care if he apologized to me, but I started having this overwhelming thought that I needed to apologize to him. You know, I initially rebuked and rejected that.

In the past, I wanted a closure conversation so I can tell him why I decided to end things, he could apologize, we can have our “I Will Always Love You” moment and walk away for good.

This time, I was hoping that 3 years later, we could have reflected and have a real conversation about how we both had our faults and how breaking up was the best thing for us. I wish it was safe enough for me to apologize because it is the right thing to do.

Apologizing would restore my humanity in a time I was broken by pain. It would prove I’m not calculated, cold, heartless like the narcissist. I didn’t enjoy being petty or being cruel to “match his energy.” All I wanted at the time was for it to be safe to be me.

So will I apologize? 3 years ago I asked God to allow the narcissist to contact me if his intentions were pure so we could finally have a closure conversation. When we met up, he couldn’t answer for what he thought went wrong. In fact, he accused me of being abusive. This wasn’t a surprise, anything I called the narcissist out on, he would later accuse me of.

I had no intention of having a closure conversation once I went no contact, so like all the other times before where I responded to a hoover, I guarded myself, knowing I was wasting my time. I can’t see myself reaching out to him to initiate apologizing. At this point in my healing journey, it would cause me more emotional harm.

While the human in me wants to do the right thing, I constantly battle who it would be the right thing for? Is it my trauma bond, or my growth that needs this? Like always, if there isn’t any clarity, there will be no action.