No matter how much you accomplish, if you struggle with inadequacy, it never leaves you. When I look back on my life, I’ve done 80% of what I said I wanted to do before the age of 25, yet, there is this annoying feeling that there is more to me than what my life is currently holding. A good job and a decent savings account, equity, and having all of my bills paid is not all I could ask for. There is more to life than the life I am living. There is more inside of me that working for a company. There is more to me than me constantly telling myself that what I put out there is not good enough.
Domonique, you usually are so happy and cheery, this tone sounds sad. What’s the reason? Well, let me tell you something, I am a positive person, however Domonique is no stranger to sadness and I am certainly no stranger to fear. Who I’ve become despite my journey is why this tone. I am upset with myself. My entire life, I’ve had this voice inside that wanted more, but didn’t feel like I deserved more. I have this underlying voice that questions what makes me special, that tells me I am not good enough, brave enough, or that becuase of my failures, I am my lowest moment. Though time and time again, God has shown me what’s inside of me. This wealth of talent, a gift, a voice.
This is why it’s so important to make it happen and release my content. I already overcame so much, this blog is more than me just sharing my thoughts with you. It’s me being obedient to the purpose in my life. It’s me sharing the deepest parts of myself with you. Yet, while I have the confidence to create content, I have been sabotaging myself in various ways.
Over the past seven months, I’ve been working on a podcast, blog, and YouTube channel only to realize that everytime I record an episode or a video, I delete it, shut down my laptop, and say that it’s not good enough.
Insecurity has plagued me since I was a child. Even when I finally get the courage and strength to not let others sabotage me by letting go of toxic and draining relationships, the damage of their voices and my own internal dialogue yet again, sabotaged me.
Why do I write about this? Because I know I am not alone. I know that if I don’t overcome this fear of failure, I’d live a life where I have already decided to die living day by day and wondering if this is the best of me. This blog post isn’t even for you, it’s for me. It’s me acknowledging that I was okay playing second fiddle for a long time because I didn’t like the sound of my instrument. This ringing fear of inadeqacy validates the weakest parts of me. Instead of saying this is where I need to grow, I’d rather live in the darkeness, continuing to hide from the sun.
What am I really afraid of? I am afraid of being rejected. I am afraid of being told the way I play my instrument is not good enough. I am afraid that I gave it all I had, and there was nothing left. Me, sharing my gifts, putting myself out there in the world is that deep. It’s bigger than confidence, it’s about bearing my soul to the world. It’s letting you see who God really made. Right now, I feel like I go through life only a shell of myself. You know the Domonique that is confident, friendly, intelligent, reserved, but no one knows the speaker, author, singer, actress, performer that is Domonique. No one knows I am funny and silly. No one knows I’m passionate about stories and I can light up a room if I wanted to, but I get nervous and lose my rhythm, because the fear of inadequacy, has also made me afraid to shine.
My biggest fear is that I will wake up one day and I am too old to reach the potential I knew was inside of me. The potential that was there way before I recognized it. And now that I recognized it, will I honor it? Will I follow the path of what I knew was deep down inside of me, or will I cower?
I am determined not to cower. I am determined to honor myself and the life God intended for me. I am determined to discover the best version of myself, even if my voice is shaking, my head is dishelveled and my feet loses its rhythm for just a second.
I am working against the the voice in my head. The voice that tells me my content isn’t good enough. I am working against the voice that tells me I can’t release anything until it’s absolutely perfect. How can I hold my content to an expectation that God doesn’t even hold me to. God gave me these gifts, and He doesn’t call me to be perfect, He calls me to be obedient.
Again, why do I write this? Because I got to a point where I was tired of sabotaging myself. I’ve written blogs, recorded podcasts, wrote out entire episodes and videos, and what have I done with them? Let them sit out of fear they aren’t good enough. No more! No more self sabotaging. No more questioning how people will perceive it. No more beating myself for not having the perfect words to say, and the poise, and eloquence.
People need to hear this voice inside of me. There is a roar that gets louder in me the more I wait. God is going to get through me.
Just wait. You’re going to see me. The real me. Thank you for waiting for me to arrive. I’m here!
This Girl's Worth 