I know you’re probably thinking, what? Let me explain. By now, I thought my ex or I would be in another relationship. I thought we would be figment of each other’s imagination, so when I found out he was still single since we had broken up, I was annoyed.
It’s not that I was looking for this information. I had been asked to volunteer for a ministry I served in the past. I was reluctant because it was my ex’s mother who invited me and it was with the church my ex and I used to attend. I simply didn’t want to be around his people.
I said yes because I didn’t think I would see him in any capacity. Then, I found out, my ex was going to be at the retreat as a participant. I almost dropped out, but I gave myself a pep talk and decided to volunteer.
For the retreat, we usually receive a bio of all of the participants to pray for them before the retreat, and when I saw the bio of my ex say “single”, I got scared.
The lead pastor figured I shouldn’t attend the retreat because of our history and it felt as if a weight was lifted off of me. Still, I have this deep feeling that my ex wanted to see me. I don’t know what his feelings were but before I was asked not to go, they asked him how he felt about my attendance, and he said it was fine.
One thing that stuck out to me was that two other leaders in the ministry mentioned how this could be an opportunity for reconciliation between me and my ex. Honestly, by the end of the whole ordeal, it felt like a set up. So many other things happened that I can’t explain, but either my ex asked them if I could not attend, or my ex found out I was attending and signed up (he signed up after I was already listed as a volunteer). I won’t know the truth unless someone tells me, but some people seemed excited to see us in the same room.
Which brings me to why I’m annoyed he is still single. First and foremost, I want my ex to find peace and contentment. I really feel God loves him and wants him to heal and grow. I also know my ex never heals from anything, he just gets over it and he never properly locks the door and throws away the key. He likes to have access as he pleases.
What if my ex was telling the truth if he felt I was the one? What if he went into hiding to come back like the Megatron versus of himself? What if he tries to come back in my life? It honestly feels like torture just thinking about it.
Would I reconcile with my ex? The answer changes on the day. Some days it is an absolutely not, and other days it’s an if God says so. I have no plans to reconnect. I’m not in love with him. I rarely think of him, but when I do, a mountain of fear rushes in.
I guess others saying he wanted to reconcile made me nervous that he wants to contact me though he hasn’t. I was hoping by now he had completely moved on with the love of his life and I was being the purpose driven woman I really always wanted to be. We never really wanted the same things. But to know we are both single, and that we almost had to spend an entire weekend together was scary.
Him being in another relationship would feel like he finally locked the door and threw away the key. I could breathe a little deeper then knowing I’m finally a part of his past, and not the one that got away, irrelevant and a lesson he had to learn, and he’s on the other side of maturity.
If we’re both still recovering from our relationship…Maybe that closure conversation will actually happen, even though I don’t feel I will need it and I’m sure he has ran out of things to say.
Lord, I don’t want to be Issa and Lawrence. I just want the door to be deadbolted with no key. Then, there’s always a part of me that’s open to Your will Lord. I guess whatever God wants to do is all that really matters. I won’t make any assumptions unless he contacts me, until then, pray for me y’all. I’m going to need it. 😩
This Girl's Worth 