This Girl's Worth

Yesterday I had a tough moment. After a heated argument with a friend, my mood had been affected all day. I don’t like conflict, it can be traumatic. This conversation was so bad, I asked God, “Why am I so unlikable?”

My life hasn’t been the easiest when it comes to relationships. This is due to many things, but I’ve gotten many contradictory messages. Half of people tell me I’m too agreeable, lacking boundaries,and too empathetic, and the other half tell me that I’m a know it all, can’t take feedback, and I talk down to others. It’s hurtful because when I’m just being myself, somehow, there’s something wrong with me. How can you be weak and too strong at the same time?

I remember one argument years ago, someone said to me, “Why do you let things just happen to you?” while they were antagonizing me and I shut down. A pastor shared with me that I can’t please everyone and I needed to be more protective over myself, and a therapist told me directly I lacked boundaries which is why I have poor relationships.

Then there comes more personal relationships. My family joked that I should be a lawyer whenever I defended myself. Then when I’d get visibly upset, they made fun of my emotional reaction and told me I was overreacting. I rarely talked about how I felt out loud because then I’d be gaslighted. I’d learn to shut down in the moment, find a quiet room, and cry.

The friends I had used me emotionally. They’d vent to me and expect me to be their savior. They’d never asked me about me. When I would try and talk about me, they would gaslight me and turn back to themselves. My friendships never lasted long because I’d just stop contacting them or they’d stop contacting me.

So as I got older and I had the resources, I wanted to heal. I sought God and therapy, bought books, and studied about my behavior. My lens was broken and until it wasn’t, until I knew who I was, until I knew who God said I am and accepted who God made me, I would keep choosing the wrong people.

Nowadays, I am much more intentional about my behavior and I am also emotionally healthier. I remind myself to speak up for myself, set boundaries with whoever, whenever, and to be authentic. While it’s difficult, at times, I still get shut down, but instead of shutting down, I now fight back, and while it is frustrating, it isn’t earth shattering the way shutting myself down was.

So when this heated exchange occurred because my friend didn’t like the way I said something, I originally wanted to shut down. I stated my intentions and apologized, and this friend kept attacking me. As much as I tried to sit there and reason, eventually I grew frustrated and did what I normally do, started cutting her off mid conversation, pointing out contradictions in her argument, and defending myself.

I even accused her of being intimidated by me because whenever I am too direct or talk logically, we have an hours long argument. I mean this person spent an hour and a half telling me what was wrong with me and providing examples on how to do better in the future. I wasn’t telling this person what to do but they accused me of acting as their boss and that since I’m a boss in real life, I should know how to phrase questions.

Before you think I am egotistical, if someone came to you for help with business related stuff, but every time you talk business with this person, they became frustrated that you’re speaking in business terms, and turn the conversation into an intellect/tone/ad hominem attack, would you not be confused?

This person also accused me of being psychologically manipulative because of the books I’ve read to help my healing process, as if I wasn’t empathetic and sharing advice before I ever picked up a psychological book. It was frustrating that one sentence turned into an entire attack against me.

Then at the end of the conversation, this person apologized but shared it was a learning lesson for us both. She shared she was going through something else and she took it out on me and that I should be more aware of what others may be going through and not get distracted, as she did share with me that she was having a tough time in her life prior to our conversation.

I asked her what can I do to shut down a conversation when I expressed I didn’t want to argue and she kept explaining, even after I acknowledged her point of view. She shared that I should acknowledge where she is coming from and not become defensive. While I don’t agree the onus is on me to control the emotional temperature solely in this friendship, I came to realize I can set firmer boundaries and choose to leave a conversation when it isn’t productive.

I understand where this person is emotionally and while I’ve had the chance to go to therapy and focus on myself, she has not, so I have compassion, and while I don’t regret standing up for myself in that conversation. I can’t help but think about how it makes me feel knowing initially, I felt excited to talk business and after unconsciously saying one thing that offended her, the conversation turned to a verbal attack against me.

So, after breaking down, I had a moment. I prayed and said, “God, why am I so unlikable?” Immediately, God started speaking to me and told me, “I made you smart, outspoken, with a business acumen, caring, empathetic, loving, passionate, compassionate, logical, and giving. The same things they try to break in you are the things I will use to elevate you.” I knew God just spoke to me and hugged me. In that moment, I knew God saw me. I needed it.

They say God knows your heart, which is an extension of the Bible verse that says God looks at the heart. God knows when I mean well, and when I don’t. God knows when I’m being misunderstood and when I am being forceful on my way. God knows more times than I can count, I’ve been attacked when I tried to help. I’ve been accused of being a know it all when I was excited to give and share what I know. I’ve been accused of being defensive when being attacked, and I’ve been accused of manipulating others when I won’t let them manipulate me. God sees all of that. I’m not perfect. There isn’t a single area of my life that demonstrates perfection, but what I know as I’m trying to figure it out, God reminds me that who He made isn’t meant to be reduced to others perceptions of me, especially when everyone has something different to say about me. The only reliable perception of me is God’s.

At times, I may be unlikable when I’m being myself, and that’s okay.

So while I wanted to verbally abuse myself and ponder my history of relationships, God affirmed me.

We’re all unlikable at times, but be who God made you, even if it’s unlikable. 🤗

God bless you. I love you and will talk to you soon.