It was two years ago when I was just starting therapy and I sat on the green couch. I was sharing how I had poor quality friendships. Fresh out of a breakup, I was questioning my entire life. My ex was my magnum opus, but my choice of bad people started way before the relationship.
When I first started elementary school, I had no friends and I was painfully shy. I befriended this one girl because she didn’t speak English and she always sat alone. While we didn’t talk to each other, we played together once. We went on a field trip and I sat with her on the way up, but somewhere during the field trip, I lost her. I got back on the bus to find her sitting with someone else. She never looked at me or even tried to talk to me again. I chose her because she was alone and I thought we could both get along. In the end, I was alone.
Let’s jump to high school, I didn’t really have one friend group, I just knew people. The end of my senior year, I brought a group of people together because I felt they had similar interests. While I had nothing in common with them, I liked being around them because they all were dorky but sweet people. The common denominator, they were all social outcasts in their own way, so why not bring them together. That group lasted about a year. Once I stopped bringing everyone together and we went to college, it was over with it. Why did I stop bringing everyone together? One of my guy friends in the group sexually coerced me on various occasions, I didn’t feel comfortable anymore.
Then there was college. I found a group of girls I thought were really cool. Again, we didn’t have similar interests, but we all were like-minded. Christian, Black, academically astute, marriage minded. Our core values on the outside seemed the same. Once I got into a relationship, these same girls became jealous, spread false rumors about my boyfriend to me, and distanced themselves from me.
Okay, so post college, I’m in a church group, one of the girls always comments on things I say, sharing how she’s had similar experiences. While waiting for a bible study, I decide to ask her what book she was reading. She shared and asked me if I was reading any books. I shared I just started reading More Than Pretty by Erica Campbell. Her response, “Oh, so you know you’re pretty.” Needless to say, the conversation grew silent as I explained the book was for all women to see themselves outside of their exterior.
To be honest, I didn’t get nice vibes from this girl anyway. Even after that, I still figured since she seemed to have so much in common with me, I should get to know her. I invited her to lunch, but the pandemic hit, and I’m glad we never went. The more she talked, the more I realized I didn’t need to know her outside of Bible study.
I began questioning myself. What is it about me that chooses these people? Why? I know none of these people are a fit for me and yet, I try them on.
Then, I had an epiphany, I am the common denominator. I keep choosing the wrong people for me purposefully, but why?
Maybe it’s lack of options. I tend to run in the same daily routine. I see the same people. None of these people interest me, it was more of a convenience, and me trying to make something work.
Maybe, it was my need to play therapist. The same things I didn’t like about them also intrigued me. I wanted to know what was beneath the shyness, awkwardness, and isolation. Like the dorky friends from before, some of them gave off creepy vibes. Once I got to know them, I saw they could be genuine, sweet people. Then, after some time, the ones that gave me bad vibes from the start end up hurting me in the end. This has happened countless times with people.
Maybe it was my savior complex attempting to heal my inner wound. With my friends, I choose outcasts because inside I felt like one. As a result, I ended up becoming some sort of emotional crutch. Even though I felt it wasn’t the right fit, after they would open up to me, at the time, it would have felt like I was abandoning them by walking away, so I dealt with it until I hit my limit.
I think it is all of it to be honest.
Truly, all of it comes down to my lack of boundaries. I didn’t have a strong perception of danger and self preservation. Why I would befriend people who literally made me feel uncomfortable is now beyond me. At the time, I would have second guessed my own judgement. Now, I’m learning to honor my judgement and communicate when I see dysfunctional behavior. It’s made me kind of mean, but it’s necessary for me. I spent so many years being way too nice and being stomped on.
It’s still a struggle for me, but it’s actually liberating to know I’m the problem and that I was not choosing what’s best for me, because I can change that. I can start fresh and new. I can work on myself and choose better.
No, I’m not responsible for other people’s behavior, but I also know now not to play with fire or knives. It seems harmless until you get burned or cut. While fire and knives are not inherently bad, they can become dangerous with the wrong opportunity. It’s my job, to the best of my ability, to limit those opportunities in my life and protect my heart. It took me 26 years to learn I am supposed to be my own best friend first.
Can you relate to this? I’d love to hear about it. Thank you for reading. I love you. Talk to you soon!
This Girl's Worth 