You read the title. I was just as shocked as you are reading this. Maybe you are in this situation right now. You had a terrible breakup. You cut contact mutually, and then five months later, out of the blue, this ex sends you a friend request.
My first initial feeling was shock. I assumed it was by accident, so I walked away from my computer. An hour went by, I checked my requests again, and there it was. I refreshed the page 10 minutes later, and it was gone. He had removed the friend request.
I don’t know what went on in his mind and why he sent it. I figured it must have been by accident. Why else would he contact me? I tried my hardest after we broke up to be amicable, but my ex insisted on making it difficult. When we cut contact, the conversation was brief. I wished him well and asked him to never contact me again. Considering how he had been speaking about me post-breakup, I assumed that I would never hear from him again. My friends warned me that I would eventually hear from him. I seriously doubted it. But, if he is anything like I remember him to be, he was prideful, which is the reason we could not be friends. He had to make me the bad guy to move on, and I wasn’t going to stop him. I was tired of fighting.
So imagine my disbelief when he sent me a friend request. I ran through all of the emotions in a matter of ten seconds: I went from shock, confusion, denial, frustration, acceptance, and interest, and then, I decided that I was going to accept the friend request because I know where I am, and I trust myself. I have no hatred towards him, and I didn’t think he was going to try and pursue me, and then I remembered to pray before I accepted his friend request.
God and I formed an agreement when it came to my ex. God knows all the details and my heart, so the agreement was that I wouldn’t make even the most minor move about my ex without consulting Him first. After my many stages, when I finally reached acceptance, I prayed this prayer: Lord, my ex contacted me. You know him. I have no hatred toward him, but I don’t want my heart to be deceived. If his intentions with me are not pure, then have him remove the friend request. If he is scared, let him know that I have no hatred or animosity towards him. If his intentions are not in your will, please keep him away from me.
The last time I checked, the friend request was gone. I promised to God if my ex were to pop up again, that I would be obedient to Him, not angry or having any expectations. I am indifferent to whether or not he contacts me again. I also asked God to protect me, and He did and He will.
I don’t know if my ex and I will ever talk again. My hope is that one day that we are able to have an amicable relationship without the attachments, pain, frustration, or egos constantly in the way. Right now, I am not focused on him, I am focused on myself, and so I am not going to pursue that relationship, but rather be open to it and I trust that God will give me discernment in handling the relationship if it comes up.
Long story short, if your ex contacts you, what should you do? I’ll run through a few questions that helped me in rapid fire manner.
1. Wait it out and access why you would want to engage with your ex.
Accepting a friend request sends a clear message that you want to be in contact with. Sending a friend request quickly sends the message you are open to being in contact with them. Accepting a friend request too quickly signals that you miss them. Do you miss them? Genuinely or ideally?
2. Were they abusive?
If they were physically abusive, there isn’t much good that can come from them contacting you. If they were emotionally, verbally abusive, narcissistic, or any of those things, proceed with caution. What reason do they have to contact you? Usually, it’s not good. In my case, that looked like praying before jumping to accept or reject the friend request.
3. Do they have a pattern of showing up and disappearing or being available and then being unavailable?
Narcissists participate in something called hoovering. They like to hook you and will pop up periodically to see if they have access to you. They are not genuinely interested in mending the relationship. They will do things like send a message and then stop responding. They will send a friend request, friend you, and then delete you. They always seem like they want you, but are really manipulating you. How do you know you are being hoovered? Nothing is consistent. If this is what happened to you, proceed with caution, erase any expectations or attachments, let them make all of the first moves, and do what you can to protect yourself.
4. Ask yourself what benefit do you have to allow this person to be in your life.
If you don’t see any real benefit, then don’t even bother. If you don’t have any desire to have this person in your life, then don’t waste your time.
5. You have unfinished business? Don’t.
Yeah, that’s self explanatory. If you want closure, don’t even. It will delay your healing journey if you go in expecting closure. You can’t control someone else’s behavior and if you let them in and they hurt you again, you just took 5 steps back.
6. You are so anxious just looking at the request.
Don’t. Wait until you are no longer anxious. If the intentions are pure, more than likely, the request will still be there. If not, the request will have been deleted and you won’t have to worry about it.
7. You are confused.
Don’t. God is not the God of confusion. If it is meant to be, you won’t be confused.
Quarantine season is rough out here. Don’t be desperate, operate in peace.
With love,
Domonique
This Girl's Worth 