This Girl's Worth

I’m a lowkey person and avoid most social situations with men, especially right now that I am in month two of my year of singleness. This is intentional. I notice my easy going, kind, and loving nature attracts poorly intentioned men. I’ve been in far too many situations where the nice guy ends up being the monster I was trying to avoid. I even forsook my own dating preferences and talked to people I didn’t even think were attractive to push against this stereotype. Let me tell you something, the nice guys are the worst culprits of abuse, manipulation, deciet, and coersion. Here’s a story to explain just what I mean.

Once a week I attend a group with many people around my age and we discuss many topics regarding the Bible. Since I started attending the group, one of the men has paid attention to me. He always stared at me and tried tofind ways to talk to me. I never minded because I didn’t think anything of it. He seems genuinely like the nicest guy I ever met. He’s polite, considerate, genuine, inquisitve, and goal oriented. I know that I am a pretty girl so I don’t feel anything in particular when men gravitate towards me. Recently, he’s been offering to take me home in his car, knowing that I take Ubers to get home from this group since it is a little out of the way. My mom always complained about me being out late, so when he offered, I figured my mom would be thrilled to know I wasn’t by myself.

Our first car ride was okay. Seemed normal and I literally talk to people all day for a living, so it was easy for me to be easygoing with him. I didn’t want to sit in the car quiet the entire time, as that felt rude. I wouldn’t say we had chemistry, but conversation between us was easy and normal. The second car ride was where things got a little weird. This time, he was friendlier, talking to me the entire ride, which was cool. Once we got in front of my apartment, we kept talking for a little while outside. I was plotting in my head how long I would sit there before I went into my apartment. I already had intentions of reaching out to this guy to become friends since he seemed like a nice person, however, I was and am not attracted to him, so that was going to be the end of that.

Once in front of my apartment, I mentioned numerous times how I should be going inside my apartment now to eat dinner and head to bed. He kept talking. I was okay with our conversation because I figured he just liked my company. Then, he mentioned that instead of parking on the street, if I could let him park in my parking spot at my apartment, which I denied because I didn’t have my remote, and I didn’t want him to. It felt personal to let a man inside of my apartment building at 10 at night. After strange conversation, and a moment where he had me close my eyes to ask me a series of questions, he then proceeded to try and hold my hand by doing that hand trick men do. If you’re not familiar with the hand trick, it’s when a guy comments on some feature of your hand and tries to hold it to observe it. Most men comments on how small and feminine my hands are. I quickly pulled my hand away because, I don’t like him that way. I got out of the car and walked away conflicted. I knew at that moment, I had seen enough behavior to know he wasn’t safe to be around and that he had alterior motives.

I am working on learning how to set boundaries, so it is hard for me to say no. In part, I felt I owed him conversation and to oblige him in his conversation since this was the second night he gave me a ride home, but another part of me was like, forget that (not the PG version). I told him how I wasn’t looking for a relationship or any type of dating, that I wanted to go in my apartment and go to sleep, and he tested my boundaries by continuing to talk and trying to hold my hand. Plus the whole close my eyes thing was weird because I told him I didn’t want to, but he insisted.

Why was this so off putting? Well, I’ve been a victim of the nice guy turned absuer before. The guy who comes into your life and is fairly innocent. Everyone speaks highly of him and he seems neutral for the most part, even a bit benevolent. He does something nice for you and slowly begins to break down your walls. It starts small and then crescendos, and then next thing you know, you’ve been violated in some way, and you’re trying to explain your story of how this all happened while blaming yourself for not seeing how he wasn’t a nice guy.

I know I am not being overly suspicious. I know I am right about this. I’ve been through this before to know that when someone makes me uncomfortable, remove myself and never look back. Other suspicious things about this nice guy, I tried to get his phone number,, even gave him mine, and he called me for 1 second and hung up the phone. I never received his number. I asked about his social media, he says he didn’t have it . He knows I am a Christian woman and I don’t believe in casual sex, and he mentioned how he forgot I was one of his Christian friends. He thinks he is smarter than most people, and likes to make people uncomfortable.

Since I learned how to trust my instincts ahead of time, I’ve been thinking about how to decline this guy without making it awkward since he offers to help me in front of others. The last time I trusted a guy who showed me some strange things, I ended up in a 3.5 year relationship with someone emotionally, sexually, and mentally abusive. The time before that, I ended up with an ex best friend who sexually forced himself on me after I rejected him multiple times. These guys everyone spoke highly of, they seem so sweet and warm, and they always turn out to be snakes.

I write this because we always think the bad guy has some distinctive qualities about him, but the bad guy always comes dressed as the good guy. He comes neutral, helpful, and gentle at first. After time, you begin to see him for who he is. He’s nice because he wants something from you. He’s helpful because he wants you to depend and trust in him. He’s gentle because he’s learning you. Once he learns you, he tries to control you. When he’s nudging you, he’s crossing boundaries. When he learns your boundaries are easy to cross, he begins consistently manipulating you, until you get so confused and end up in a positon you never wanted to be in.

The encounter in the car wasn’t aggressive. It wasn’t even particularly harmful, but it was the start of something. Who tries to hold the hand of a girl who just told you that she is not looking to be romatically involved with someone in any capacity? Whom you just met? Why would you insist on entry to my apartment parking complex when I opened the door to get out of your car and told you I was tired? He was trying to get too close, too soon. He is someone who has tried this game before.

I feel it’s imperative we discuss this, because these so called nice guys who feel victimized when the world doesn’t respond to their manipulation and deception are mentally absuing innocent women. I could tell you countless stories, but to wrap this all up, I’m going to list the nice guy traits that you should be on the lookout for.

• Men who don’t respect boundaries. They insist, coerce, or manipulate you into doing something by establishing trust. This sounds like, “Do this, I’m not going to hurt you, I promise,” OR you say no and you ask them what you are are doing and they say, “Just trust me,”
• Men who move too fast. You barely know them and they are trying to make a move on you. A normal guy is scared of rubbing you the wrong way. Nice guys with poor boundaries are not.
• When you reject them, they talk about how much of a good person they are.
• When you reject them, they get angry, distant, or weird towards you.
• When you reject them, they no longer have interest in you.
• When you reject them, they become visibly upset.
• They don’t understand that no is not a grey line. It’s black and white.
• They want to know personal details about you but sparingly tell details about them.
• They like to play mind games. So they try to appear more intellectual than they actually are and want to tell you things that will shock you or seem interesting.
• Once alone with you, the topic of sex comes up within the first two conversations. Even if it isn’t overt, the covert discussion that doesn’t seem like it will impact you means that sex is on their mind with you.
• They mention off handed things in a casual way. For example, the guy from other day said he just moves on with different people after a breakup. My ex told me that he never had feelings for any of the women he slept with and kept women around who he thought he could sleep with. At the time these were brought up, we were no where near this topic.
• He seems overly helpful and waits for opportunities to be helpful such as waiting around for you to make sure they can offer you a ride somewhere. Very early on, the nice guy will usually go out of his way to do something nice for you. It will seeem like he is considerate of you, but he’s observing you and isolating you. This isn’t a problem, until you realize them being nice to you is them showing you they have intentions with you.
• They don’t acually want to spend time with you doing activities, they just want to get you alone. Even if they don’t make a move then first time, this is weird and not normal.

Notice how subtle all of these things are. These so called nice guys, most of them are not nice, they are just covert evil. Girls, we are not falling for the nice guy lie anymore. Nice guys are respectful and take things slow. Any other guy, is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.