This idea may stem from love, but the behavior is codependency.
Codependency is when you allow toxic or abusive behavior out of fear or to fill a void. If you have a hard time with codependency, you usually spend most of your time taking care of others, but not being taken care of. Most people misinterpret codependency. Codependency is not an inability to be independent, it’s actually quite the opposite. You are so strong and you take so much. You have this habit of giving and giving. Is it your good heart? other people rely on you, often in unhealthy ways. You give and don’t ask for much in return. People probably praise you for it it too, but it’s unhealthy. Essentially, you operate as an enabler, hoping that by enabling, you’ll be loved and appreciated. Essentially, you’re searching for some form of validation, and you found the way to get it, was the sacrifice yourself.
Black women are often raised to give with little in return. We’ve seen our mothers do it, we’ve seen our grandmothers do it. They were called good women because they had little to say, and always did the right thing. If they dared complain, expect more, or ask for what they gave, they were seen as unworthy, demanding, and selfish. So, we learned that a good woman is just happy with what she can get. Relationships should encompass all of us. We shouldn’t have to minimize our needs to be loved. Codependency has a VIP table to this thinking. This idea that just being, or just being me is not enough. I have to offer something to be wanted and loved.
With the right relationships, you should be able to talk about your needs and express grievances without drama. Healthy relationships want you to take up space, which means you can ask for what you need without judgment. There will be people wanting to meet you halfway. When you communicate, those you love make an effort to meet your needs. And when you’re hurt, the focus can shift to you, giving you an opportunity to heal without you having to beg for it. Sounds amazing right? Sounds like after years of trying to prove you are good enough, you can rest.
If this is you, it’s never too late to start setting boundaries and to start communicating what you need. It is okay to ask for what you need, and toxic or abusive behaviors should be addressed. No excuses for the offending person.
Please be aware, the minute you start asking for what you need, the toxic relationships in your life will start to break down and fall apart. Sad, but letting go of those relationships will allow space for better, healthier relationships.
This Girl's Worth 