We’re not going to sugarcoat it, being in a relationship with a narcissistic person means taking continuous emotional and psychological abuse. In some instances, there is physical and sexual abuse. No one is walking away unscathed.
If you’re involved with a narcissist, you probably have been cheated on, lied to repeatedly, never truly received closure so you had the same 5 arguments hundreds of times, been manipulated, the relationship happened quickly, gaslighted (made to believe your reality is questionable) , stonewalled (partner shut down or shut you out when your feelings, criticisms were vocalized), Sexually violated (your partner used emotionally vulnerable moments to initiate sexual contact with you), and the list goes on.
I remember before I was in a relationship, I used to have discussions with my mother and sister. I knew in my head what a healthy relationship looked like, but because I had never been in a relationship, I had never been in love. How could I prepare for one? I worked on myself before my relationship, my body, my skin, my mind, my relationship with God, but nothing could prepare me for the experience. If you asked me three years ago if a relationship could have changed me for the worst, I would have said something all young ignorant people say, “No one can change me. No matter what they do, I will always remain myself.” 🙄
As my mom would say, “You don’t know what you’ll do until you’re in it. Then you’ll be surprised at who you’ll become.” I’m sure this was one of the things my mom was sad to be right about.
As I’m learning to forgive myself, which is something I struggle with in general, my relationship’s lowest moments are on replay in my mind. I had become someone I wasn’t proud of. Of anything I went through, that was the most painful. I had to forgive myself and ask God to forgive me for allowing a relationship to become an idol.
Here are the seven things I struggled to forgive myself for when I was in a narcissistic relationship.
1) I became less empathetic.
Entering into my relationship, I was what the world would textbook empath. I believed with all of my heart that if anyone was going through something, it would be wrong of me not to stop and listen or show that I care. I believed this so deeply that if my boyfriend hurt me and it made me cry, if he started to cry, my instinct was to put my feelings on the backburner and comfort him to make him feel alright. I know it isn’t healthy now to feel that deeply for every person, but it’s who I was. I never wanted anyone to feel unloved or unwanted.
Throughout my relationship, there was lack of emotional intimacy. I was emotionally neglected and manipulated. I wasn’t met with consideration, instead I was exploited when I was most emotionally vulnerable. Though I know my partner genuinely tried in some moments, his emotional unavailability and lack of empathy made it impossible for him to truly be there for me.
Let me further explain. Empathy did not come naturally to him, so if empathy does not come naturally, that caused a problem. Feelings and emotions are not convenient. Sometimes, things pop up. If empathy needs to be planned out, calculated, or thought out, how are you able to meet someone right in the middle of their vulnerability? Trick question, you can’t, which means your partner(me) is breaking down crying and you (the narcissist) needs space from you to figure out how to respond correctly to your pain.
After being on the receiving end of lack of empathy in my relationship, I became emotionally drained and hardened as a coping mechanism. Eventually, I became less empathetic toward him, frustrated that he was expecting empathy from me, something he couldn’t reciprocate.
2) It became harder to control my tongue.
I’ve always been articulate. I prided myself on being able to find the right words and to say things in a kind but direct way.
When in a relationship with someone who gaslights you, you go from arguing like a normal person to a lawyer. Growing up in a big family, arguments can be quite normal, and while I already was strong minded, I was not confrontational. I did everything I could to avoid conflict. My ex and I used to laugh about how we both were natural debaters. We were not taking about the same thing.
I like to debate intellectual topics, he meant he wanted to deny and manipulate my sense of reality. The cute intellectual debates we had in the beginning did not continue in our relationship. All of a sudden, we had very different interests, thoughts, and not much to discuss. There were no intellectual disagreements, instead if I disagreed, he convinced me that I somehow ended up attacking his character or ego and I’d end up apologizing for what I said or did.
We argued constantly. There wasn’t a week that went by we didn’t have an argument. I’ve never argued with someone so much in my life. In fact, I never argued with anyone at all.
Eventually, I went from walking on eggshells to speaking my mind incessantly to fight back. In some ways, I became hostile. Overtime, it became difficult to say things with consideration. I remember thinking, he doesn’t seem to care how what he says affects me, so why should I work so hard to consider his feelings? After two years of staying soft spoken, kind, compassionate, and disciplined with my tongue, I said forget it (well more like f* it) .
I would normally never say some of the hostile, brutal things I said to my ex. Even when I think back on it, I cringe. I don’t even want to go back to being that person.
I am still working on this area. I find myself being triggered when I feel conflict arising. While it used to be easy for me to respond, I find myself either freezing or thinking twice when I have to stand up for myself because usually the first thing that comes to mind is usually quite rude.
3) I got very angry 😡.
I went through various stages in my relationship. In response to the abuse, I went from 1) making excuses, 2) having hope, 3) bearing the weight of the relationship, 4) asking for more, speaking about my hurt constantly to try to get him to understand me and love me, 5) becoming pessimistic that things will change, to eventually, 6) speaking my mind at all costs.
Towards the end of the relationship, the last year, I became easily triggered and full of anxiety. Whenever I wasn’t met with empathy, I became enraged. By that point, I demanded he “acted right”. I recognize that most certainly at times, I put him down, telling him he was incapable of empathy, and that he would never change. I also told him he was a bad boyfriend, and that I almost hate him, and other things I said in the heat of the moment.
I am not proud of becoming that person, but my body was in fight mode from the lack of reciprocity and emotional and psychological abuse.
Where there is trauma, your brain’s logical part shuts down and responds emotionally. This is why when I would attempt to explain to my ex how his actions affected me and I was not met with empathy, I would switch from being vulnerable, to being aggressive. I was triggered and my brain’s response was to fight.
I never want to be that angry again. I most certainly don’t want to explain my pain or how abuse is affecting me to a partner again either.
Like I’ve read somewhere, don’t look for love and solutions in the person that broke you in the first place. I have grace for myself now. I know that it was a normal and healthy reaction to get angry, because abuse is not normal. Thank God, I’m not being constantly triggered to where my anger shows up, but I am addressing the anger that built up so I don’t pass that to other people.
4) I didn’t trust myself.
Too much trust in a person is the same thing as faith. It’s belief, even without substance or evidence.
Dealing with gaslighting, stonewalling, and constant highs and lows can make you feel as if you are losing your sanity.
I didn’t recognize the constant emotional abuse when I went through it, but to have someone intentionally hurt you, apologize and take responsibility, and then that person tells you that you’re also to blame for the problems in the relationship is a mind trick. I jumped through all sorts of mental gymnastics to find grounding, and it wrecked my mental health.
I trusted him more than what I felt and seen. Naturally, I went from being someone independent and decisive, to becoming indecisive, inarticulate, and blocking out my feelings to cope with my reality and survive.
5) I felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Along with not trusting myself, I began to think there was just something deeply and inherently wrong with me. Everything I knew about myself, my failures, my mistakes, my desires just seemed wrong and dirty. I began to question my femininity and sanity.
All of my past pain began to haunt me. I started to feel like I must have done something to bring this terror on myself, that I deserved the abuse I received and no one else would love my brokenness.
This didn’t start with the relationship, I already struggled with a sense of guilt, but the relationship magnified that times 1000x. I had so many attacks on my mind and identity, that throughout the relationship, I fell into depression. I look back and realize that I needed psychological help. I was not well.
I internalized my abuse. I was constantly being told there was something wrong with the way I felt.
I had to argue to be seen, stand my ground. I begin to seem like the emotionally unstable one for fighting back while he remained stoic.
It was only after I cut contact with him that the attacks and depression fell off of me. I then realized that the relationship was damaging me and triggering me far more than I could have imagined. This relationship was everything I needed to avoid wrapped up in one person.
6) I became desperate and selfish.
When you get into a cycle of someone fulfilling and ripping away your needs, it creates a pattern of addiction. The more the relationship went on, the less he acted like he needed/wanted me. I became desperate for all the things I needed, such as stability, love, affection, and intimacy. When I didn’t get those things, it was devastating to me.
So what did I do? I tried harder to be perfect for a long time, then I became selfish. I became narcissistic.
Little by little, everything became about getting my needs met. I spent the first half of the relationship looking out for him, and when he acted entitled and demanding, that destroyed me. I decided, I would not be taken advantage of, and I became self preserving. I made a conscious effort to be selfish.
7) I gained weight/ started experiencing health issues
This one was probably the most shocking. During the relationship, my health took a decline. I went from exercising everyday, to not exercising daily due to depression, eating unhealthier (due to taking on his eating habits and schedule), and experiencing copious amounts of stress.
My eczema exacerbated, started having back and feet pain, experienced worsened period pains, started losing my hair, my skin started breaking out more frequently, and I gained 30 pounds in a year. It was insane. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself.
Once I left the relationship, I stopped having back issues, I already lost half of the weight, and I have energy to exercise again.
Stress afrects us physically, so the effects on my body were my body’s way of saying “Domonique, you’re in literal pain from the emotional distress.”
No wonder once I stopped interacting with this person, my body went back to normal.
When you love someone, it can hard to be honest about how they are negatively impacting you.
We cannot worry about the other person so much that we neglect that we’re not progressing but regressing. I really wish it could have been different.
Now that I recognize how this relationship amplified the worse parts of me, I take it as my responsibility to take the time to heal and discover who I am outside of trauma.
It’s all a healing process and while no one is perfect, every person and every relationship has something to teach you about yourself.
Stay encouraged in your healing journey. It truly is a process and comes in layers. Each person you come in contact with either tells you who you aren’t or who you are. ❤️
This Girl's Worth 