This Girl's Worth

For the most part, we are all raised to stand up for ourselves.

With the best intentions, our parents raised us to fight back if someone hits us, to never let someone size you down, to stand for what you believe in so you won’t be swayed by the ways of the world. However, standing up for yourself is not so simple.

Most people who stand up for themselves receive retaliation. Think about it, you have a VP at work who continuously cuts you off as you’re speaking. You decide to speak up one time and get called into the CEO’s office (this happened to me) to be called defensive for standing up for yourself. Rightfully, no matter the position of the person, being cut off everytime you speak is rude. Still, since you’re constantly battling people’s egos, hurt feelings tend to surpass being right.

I’ll admit, I’m someone who is learning to express what I need without feeling guilty for asking, so standing up for myself brings feelings of anxiety and guilt. I tend to be more scared of the retaliation I will receive than getting my needs across. However, I’ve recently reached a place in my life where that no longer works for me, and I feel a need to express what I need. Nonetheless, that desire competes with my fear of retaliation and I end up in a cycle of overthinking, second guessing how much I need to say something.

Speaking up for me feels egotistical. It feels like I’m imposing myself on the person or the situation. Sometimes speaking up can be. Some people will choose to put their needs and concerns first no matter what.

I had a friend who constantly advocated for himself. Very little got passed him if he felt wronged. He was the kind of friend that would ignore if you expressed how you felt, and when you reciprocated that same energy, he’d get sensitive about how no one listens to his needs. However, he never realized that because he did not listen to others, people did not take well to him.

On the other end, if you’re like me, you work hard to give those what they need without asking, yet your needs are not met as easily.

My friend and I had something in common, we both had instances in our childhood where our boundaries were violated. Probably due to the differences in how men and women are raised, I learned to take up less space, walking through life being seen but not heard, and he learned to walk through life demanding space and hardened, in a bubble of me, my needs, my wants, who I am, and the list goes on.

Childhood creates a rhythm of life we get used to. If asking for what we wanted, or reacting to not receiving what we wanted got us in trouble, or taught us we are not grateful, we learn we have to fight for what we need, or we adopt the notion that we are inherently selfish, so we should ask for less. Sometimes, we feel both at the same time. I learned to take up less space, always feeling ungrateful when I asked for more.

So, it all came to a head this year. I got tired of being unfulfilled in life emotionally. My emotional high used to be making others I loved feel happy, but that was no longer the case. Truthfully, my journey began in 2015. I begin removing certain people from my social circle because they took from me, violated my space and boundaries, and they didn’t care about the way I felt.

I began to make decisions to bring people into my life who also cared about me and allowed me to flourish emotionally. Well, I didn’t quite get there and made some decisions to involve people in my life who ended up being the most toxic. I’m now in a different place in my life, so I’m creating a new rhythm, yet, old habits die particularly hard.

I’m slowly but surely making steps to ask for what I need, and it all starts with honoring myself.

I’ve betrayed myself so many times by not listening to what I felt on the inside. I betrayed myself by acquiescing when I felt I couldn’t win. I betrayed myself by always second guessing what I need. So now, I honor myself by being disciplined in giving myself what I need, which is time to be creative, getting off of work at 6 p.m. so I can have time for social events, creating content, exercising or getting to bed on time. I honor myself by choosing to speak up when I am being mistreated, no matter how it inconveniences someone else. My inner peace is more important than receiving retaliation.

I am finding a nice balance between what I need and what I want. It’s opened me up in a new way. It’s allowing me to find my authority. While I’ve seen the other extreme, someone trying to get as much as they can from every situation, I have found my nice middle. I’m not nitpicking, manipulating, and in a constant battle of me, but I’m aware of my needs, and I act accordingly when I notice changes in me that I don’t like seeing. I now understand that I’m being my own advocate when I take up space for what I need.

So far, it has cost me relationships and friendships, but I’ve gained peace, understanding, energy, joy, and hope. I went through a period of having to constantly ask for what I needed, so now that I’m out of that situation, I’ve found a happy medium.

And the guilt part? It gets easier the more I advocate for myself. The anxiety? I still get nervous, imagining the worst case scenario in my head as I’m about to speak up, but I take a deep breath, release, and speak my peace. Sometimes, it doesn’t flow as well as I’d like, sometimes I stutter, sometimes, my voice comes out with a punch, and I wish my tone could have been different. Since I’ve been working on it, I see the rewards of the confident, emotionally flourishing person I am becoming. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. ❤️🤗