This Girl's Worth

I remember my coworker foreshadowing my breakup 4 months before it happened. He asked me about my relationship and gave me a look. I reluctantly asked him what that look meant. He said, “You’re not going to marry this guy.” Deep down, I felt the same way, but I was shocked! Didn’t I just paint the same lie I sold to everyone else? Everyone else believed it. Everyone else couldn’t wait to meet him because he seemed like the sweetest guy ever.

I actually sold everyone the same lie. All of my needs were getting met, and we hit some rough patches, but he always tries so hard to make things work and it inspires me to be better. He was so mature and committed and I’m the one working through my fears, he’s all in. How were we so young and wise at 24? People marveled at our love. I wanted to believe in the relationship I sold so desperately that I defended against anyone who tried to call my bluff.

I guess my coworker saw right through it, because he repeated himself a few days later. Out of respect for my relationship, I spoke to him less and less. Why did this man always bring up my relationship status. How could he? He doesn’t know my relationship. We will get married one day.

Well, it seemed like everytime I didn’t get along with my boyfriend, this coworker would ask if I were still with my boyfriend. What is up with this guy? I thought to myself. Even after we broke up, I lied to him and my other coworkers because I didn’t want to prove this guy right. Plus, I was still in contact with my ex, so if I somehow got back with him, no harm, no foul, right?

Well, one day in September, my coworker asked this again. This time, in front of my other coworkers, I admitted the truth. Actually, we’re not together.

My coworkers were shocked. The guy who had been asking privately told me, I knew it. You’re better off anyway. You don’t need to be in a bad relationship. I could tell you weren’t getting your needs met and you weren’t happy.

Those words have been what everyone who actually knew us said to me. No one seemed sad we weren’t together anymore, which had bothered me. Truthfully, I hadn’t even really been sad. I was sad that when we broke up, there was so much anger and animosity between us, but I wasn’t sad we had broken up. I loved him, but we seemed to be in better places apart from one another. I knew we were both exhausted trying to make our relationship work.

That moment made me come to terms with what actually was. We had broken up, we weren’t really in each other lives. We were approaching not being in each other’s lives for good, something I accepted, though it wasn’t what I wanted deep down.

We had so much animosity between us in the breakup, we both said ugly things to one another. We both were hostile. We were each other’s worst nightmare. Still, I knew deep down, under my anger, was my disappointment about him. I knew I would always have love for him, even if we could not be together because it did not make sense. I hear about exes saying the person no longer was attractive to them, or they couldn’t understand why they stayed after the fact. After the fact, they don’t have love anymore, and in order to move on, the person now is repulsive.

According to my ex, it was his insecurity that made him feel he needed me, thus why he stayed. He said that about his last relationship, so I didn’t take it too seriously. This is the covert narcissist way of saying, she no longer advanced my agenda, so she was no longer appealing to me. After hearing him express this on his podcast, I thought I’d hate him, but it actually gave me peace. I realized, I could never regret the relationship, and I stand by the decision I made in the past to love him.

Truthfully, my ex has no real reason to dislike me. The reason our relationship did not last was because of his issues. I paid the price for every person who hurt him in his life. Eventually, that took a toll of me.

However, rather than being petty and pulling out the receipts to show how bad of a boyfriend he was, I’m going to focus on me. The truth is, because I’m not narcissistic, and I don’t discard of people, I don’t regret loving him with all of my heart. I don’t regret staying after all the times I should have left. I don’t regret choosing to trust again even after he continuously broke my trust. I don’t regret choosing to dive in, head over heels. I don’t regret supporting his crazy thoughts and dreams, because I know with all my heart he will succeed. I actually wish him to do well.

I don’t think he’s ugly, he could never be ugly to me, I know too much about him. I still think he is a beautiful Black man, with a radiant smile, infectious energy, and a genuine desire to do good in the world. I’m still in awe of the resilience he has displayed in life.

I don’t regret pushing myself to the limits because it showed me the depth of my own love. I didn’t even know I could love someone that deeply.

Even if I was just someone to feed his ego or advance his life in that time, my choice to love him wasn’t about him, it was about me. It was about my decision to do so, my freedom, my innocence in doing it. No matter how it turned out, from me, the love was real. The love was genuine. The love was honest and at times, uncouthed.

I was the best and worst version of myself in love, and for that, I could never fix my mouth and mind to say the relationship was just a source of codependency, or just about feeding my ego, or that I only stayed because I thought I needed him.

At a point, I did need him, because I loved him and I wanted to connect with him more than anyone else in this world. I needed that connection from him. But that’s what the deepest form of love is, intimacy.

So no, I don’t regret it, because genuine love isn’t regrettable. While some people insist on making you the devil to cover their own demons, I’m choosing to acknowledge what was real and not just the bad. I take the bad and the good and I say I don’t regret my decision to fall head over heels in love.

I take the decisions I made with ownership. I didn’t know I had that desire of love in me, even when that love wasn’t reciprocated. It showed me that one day, when that love is reciprocated, there’s an even deeper level of love that I have yet to achieve. I’m excited to discover that love one day, when it is time. This time it will be safe!

So Dear Ex,
Speak bad about me, try to cheapen how my love covered you in your lowest times, and invalidate the love you professed for me time and time again, because you know the truth. You know what you did to destroy innocent love, you know what you’re running away from. You know who was the truth, and you have to live with what you did to ruin a good, loyal thing. So keep telling yourself whatever lie you need to move on and do what you want to do. I wish you truth and happiness, though I know you won’t ever receive it until you stop lying to yourself and everyone around you.

I still stand behind the love I gave and the decision I made to take it away.