This Girl's Worth

Life is a balance of learning and unlearning. We will have moments where we are right and moments we are wrong. We’re all just doing our best to survive.

Now that I’ve gotten all the basic cliches out of the way, most people are good people, so it can be really hard to see when and where we’re wrong, and also how we create a lot of our own difficulties. The truth is most of us have toxic traits, so it’s important not to get too comfortable in what we know about ourselves. We should constantly be challenging and reflecting on ourselves because as much as we are good people, it’s easy for us to become toxic people.

We all develop an image of ourselves that we uphold. This is a positive thing when it builds our self esteem, deepens our level of intimacy, gives us confidence, and allows us to set healthy boundaries. However, when we become so wrapped up in this image of ourselves, we create an environment for toxicity to breed inside of us by becoming defensive, argumentative, insecure, and stagnant, viewing ourselves as better than we actually are.

Since we’re unable to be aware of all things at all times, all of us can have varying levels of disconnect in how we see ourselves, versus who we actually are. It is normal to want to protect your identity, but for some, protection of identity and view of self is the world in which one lives and operates. This person is called a narcissist.

While nobody likes the word narcissist, a narcissist is a person who lives in a constant self protective bubble of the image they have of themselves. This comes across as being self absorbed, selfish, hard headed, or stubborn, but it is actually deep insecurity. Anything negative you say about them feels like an attack on how they identify. If you’ve ever encountered anyone like this, you had to think 5x as hard to say the right thing, you likely had to argue to get your point across rather than being heard the first few times around, and issues never seemed to be resolved. This person might have been a narcissist or had deeply narcissistic behaviors. Think about it, why else would a person feel the need to constantly defend themselves? Isn’t that exhausting? Not when you’re insecure and need constant validation. While there are different types of narcissists, this rule of constant self protection applies to all narcissists.

For a narcissist, true self reflection has a limit. While a narcissist may be able to understand an action or behavior is not good, there are layers underneath that behavior, and if the behavior is positive, it is tied to their identity, but if it is negative, it is not a reflection of them as a whole.

This is especially troubling for relationships. Relationships require (at times) reproof and correction. Anyone you love is bound to be disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed by something you do. While no one is perfect, there needs to be a level of comfortability in expressing this. No relationship can survive if anytime something negative is expressed, an argument or disagreement ensues.

Which brings me to this, even if you are not a narcissist, most relationships or toxic dynamics happen due to some level of narcissism, or on the flip side codependency, but that’s another conversation.

I’ll dive into signs that you’re the toxic one, with an emphasis on narcissistic personality traits.

1) Your life reflects poor quality relationships.

Every person who is no longer in your life is because they weren’t good enough for you. However, there is no clear reason as to why.

This is a red flag. We all have varying level of relationships in our lives. A good practice is letting go of negative, toxic, or really difficult relationships, but if you find yourself with many relationships that end or never blossom and you can’t figure out why, you’re likely the problem.

2) You’re not able to ever cut ties with people and end on good terms.

This is pretty clear. Sure, you can have people you no longer want in your life and so you move on, but everything doesn’t have to be a bad breakup. If it is, it’s because you’re a toxic person.

You can and should take ownership of why you’re cutting ties and own it without demonizing the other person. If they did things to hurt you, then that’s your story to tell, but if you’re also guilty, don’t tell one side of the story.

If you’ve ever experienced this on the other side, some people need to make you the enemy so they can justify removing you from their lives. Let them go through their process. Toxic people never wrap things in a bow so they usually come back to their mess when it’s too late.

3) Isolation is when you’re “the best version of yourself.”

God created us for community and relationships. If everyone just brings out the worst in us, it’s because we’re the problem

A period of being alone makes sense at times, but ultimately we should feel most or equally as fulfilled in healthy relationships with others.

Other people can’t always be “holding you back”. We can’t be successful when we use others as stepping stones, discard of them, and then act as if our success is due to our own genius.

4) You can’t apologize for your wrongdoings without analyzing the situation to see how they are wrong too.

We all should analyze ourselves and others to make sure we’re not being manipulated. However, if you have a discussion with someone and in the moment, you analyze and you are able to see your faults, you should be able to apologize and find a way to connect with your partner.

For a narcissist, the conversation is never really over. They might apologize, then after the argument and time has cooled down, they might suddenly have a list of grievances about you. If they felt they were losing, they will purposely cool things down and buy time to find ways to come back and win the argument by nitpicking the argument. When these arguments happen, the conversation feels unfocused, and the narcissist will “make a point” and smirk, laugh, or walk away to control the conversation.

This is an extremely toxic trait. Healthy partners are seeking to create common ground or understanding. Narcissists are thinking about winning and being right. Narcissists don’t care if they are understood. The narcissists version of being understood means they get what they want and the conversation ends.

5) You want to control the terms and conditions of the situation, even when you’re the suspect.

When we hurt someone, we don’t get to choose how it impacts them or what they need to heal. It takes humility to recognize this, but it’s the truth.

If you find yourself feeling like everyone else is stuck in the past, it’s because you can’t live in the present.

If that’s confusing, let me break it down for you. If you hurt someone, the consequences of your actions take place in the present, even if the event happened in the past.

We all know men who cheated, the woman who was hurt for years, and the man who defends his character that’s he’s a changed man and he hasn’t done something like that in “years”. The devastation of the hurt is easier to move forward for the guilty man. What we hid happened five years ago, he hasn’t done anything like that recently. He’s had time to process what he’s done. For his wife, her sense of trust was violated and she believed for the past five years, her husband had been faithful. She now has to live with the pain of the act itself, her husband cheating, and his betrayal, keeping it a secret and lying for five years. His past mistake is her present.

The present requires you to recognize the circumstances have changed and there is now a new normal for the person you hurt.

You don’t get to list your terms and conditions, set the rules, or control the process. You get to hear them and determine whether or not you can show them love, or be the wise person, and decide to let them go because you can’t be what they need.

Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. Narcissists believe once all is forgiven, the relationship is reconciled and can resume. The old relationship is dead. He has to build his wife’s trust all over again.

6) You’re not genuinely interested in the things those you love care about. You ask and partake because it’s the right thing to do, not because you care.

This is self explanatory. Normally, when you meet someone, you spend time with them because you like the way they make you feel and you want to get to know more about them. You should care about the way you make them feel.

Well, if everyone is uninteresting to you or you are only interested in people who have something to offer you, you’re self absorbed.

You can’t only be interested in things that you would normally do. While we bond from common interests, we also grow deeper connections as we are exposed to and enjoy things outside of our comfort zones.

We have to be honest that we are capable of toxicity, and it shows up greatest in our relationships with others.

If you are struggling with narcissistic traits, know that it can happen to anyone who has been deeply hurt or even coddled in life, and it’s a self protection mechanism. In order to have healthy, successful relationships, I encourage you to find a good therapist or find counselors who you can develop long lasting relationships with to hold you accountable in a non judgemental space. Make sure it is someone who will not cosign your behaviors and you trust to challenge you.

We are just beginning this conversation. In the next article, we will talk about the toxic traits of codependency in the relationship.