We’ve all been there. After a fight or another lie, trying to figure it out. It feels like choosing you versus choosing the relationship. You love him, you’ve invested in him, you can’t imagine being with anyone else but him. But this relationship, it’s tearing you up inside.
While you’re still in the relationship, you’re mentally escaping; thinking of a happier you without the person you’re with. You’re thinking about all the men you turned down or turned away, and what it would have been like if you just took a few of those numbers. You know it’s not who you are, but at this point in the relationship, you don’t even know who you are anymore. You’ve done so many things unlike you, that the worst version of yourself is what you know, but it doesn’t feel like home.
So you tell yourself, I can’t see myself like this for the rest of my life, but when you think about it, you also can’t see the rest of your life without him.
Sure, there are parts of him that you love. Sure there are parts of yourself that he brings out of you, but even when you rest your head on his chest, you can’t for long, because there’s an incessant whisper that you’re slipping away, and you know the bad outweighs the good, even though the good feels nice.
So you force yourself to imagine a life without him. You don’t want to, but you have to. You know that this relationship doesn’t love you the way you love it. As you force yourself, you envision romance with another man who is able to fulfill you in a way this relationship does not. He dances with you, he never loses a second to hold you close, he finds joy in a simple kiss, he never misses a chance to talk with you or see you. He’d drive 30 minutes just to hold your hand for 5 minutes. He’s thoughtful and plans weekends in, watching cartoons and cooking breakfast, and when he gets mad, he never, not even for a second forgets that he loves you still. This is the romance you want. It’s far from the romance you have.
So you convince yourself, I need to make a change. I’m leaving what I have for a chance at that. And then, you remember something, there’s no man on the other side.
So you think of a life with friends, where you can enjoy yourself and have adventure. You miss the laughs you used to have and how free you felt. You miss dancing for no reason at all, and singing. You miss hanging with people and having a social life. You say, I don’t need a man, I just want to feel the way I felt before him.
Suddenly, you remember that besides the occasional Facebook wave, those people are no longer your friends. You’re a different person, and they are different people. It’s not high school, you don’t even live in the same city anymore.
Letting go of the relationship that is causing you so much pain feels a lot like being alone. There’s no cushion to soften the blow of a relationship with a genuine connection and love. It is torture having to choose between accepting less than you deserve, or nothing but me, myself, and I.
It would be easier if there was man to come along to help you forget about him or friends that kept you busy and active so you won’t be alone, but that’s not your reality. You know making this decision will cost you everything.
It will cost you the social life you know, it will cost you a love, broken, but at least it was love, it will cost you letting go of something you poured all of yourself into.
You know it’s easier to stay. You know it’s easier to keep hoping, even though it’s exhausting you. The hope that it will all be worth it one day keeps you grounded. Yet, something inside says, that’s not enough.
You know the excruciating pain ahead. Your head hurts, you tremble, and doubt fills you just as you barely begin to accept what you have to do.
Yes! You’re giving it all away! It won’t make sense. There are no other prospects on the other end. There are no friends to fall back on. You don’t get time to grieve. It won’t be easy to let everything you know go, but still, you Choose Yourself.
Not because you are selfish, or because it was easy. Not because there was someone else, because you know it was never about someone else. You choose being able to grow into the best version of you rather than stay in something that would never let you become who God put in you to be. It took all of the bravery you had.
Just because you choose yourself doesn’t mean you didn’t love him wholeheartedly. It doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t matter if he ends up with someone else or if he seems happy. What matters is if your kids and your grandkids get the best version of you down the road. What matters is if you wake up feeling peace in yourself. What matters is you don’t feel ashamed of your life and the love you have in your life.
One day when you’re very old, you will smile at the woman who made these tough choices, and be proud of the family you made. You’ll think of the big decisions you’ve made and this will be one of them.
So, choose yourself, because she’s a daughter, a boss, a future wife, a future mother, a future grandmother, a future aunt, a mentor, a friend, and whatever else she chooses to be. And she, she needs to be protected at all costs.
This Girl's Worth 