This Girl's Worth

Dear Heavenly Father,

God, I’m petty. You’re the Judge and the only one who can seek justice. I know this, but for once, I wish I could seek justice.

Most people in my life who’ve hurt me, I can let it go. I can forgive and forget, but some people, it just doesn’t seem fair. It’s almost as if they’ve walked away unscathed, while I have to take years to unpeel layers and layers of hurt and confusion.

If you could give them a hard time in life for a little while, at least until I’m healed from the hurt, that would make me feel better. I don’t know, I guess, if these people never said sorry, I would feel better knowing you punished them for what they did to me.

Humankind is lucky I am not God. In their suffering, I would reveal to them their own downfall. I would also give a preview to the victim of their sufferings, only for a little while. That’ll be justice. That will teach those people something. At times, it feels that could heal the world. My pride wants to feel above them, like I’m doing better without them for a little while.

God, you hold the power to do anything you want. You can serve the ultimate justice, and I simply don’t understand how you literally threw it away, and instead offered grace to everyone, the righteous and unrighteous. This concept of grace, it astounds me.

Take humankind for example, they berated you, mocked you, failed to honor and worship you, complained, lied, brought false witness against your innocent son, and You watched Him die in the flesh, and you offer him as a sacrifice? Willingly? How is that just?

But You knew that I couldn’t make sense of it. I had to just accept it.

As I dig deeper in my confusion, I realize something about you, my God, that is what makes you so powerful. In my limited, human intellect, I can’t wrap my head around how when humans should have suffered, how condemnation and conviction were justified, you sent a sacrifice in our place. You could have done anything. Anything! Yet you chose to wipe away my sins.

I understand grace for me, though I have trouble always receiving it, because I’m too weak to face the depth of my sins. It was relief to know you wiped away my sins and gifted me and shielded condemnation from me. It was what gave me my light back, to know you forgot my sins. But, God, I don’t forget, so I don’t understand how you do.

So I guess Lord, I’m not petty, that was my flesh talking, she’s stupid, and she’s fickle. She follows the wind, but who you really made me, I’m in awe of You. I want to be more like you, it’s just really hard.

And this grace thing. I understand it, because when I think of all that I’ve done in my life that I don’t want to be known, I’m glad you weren’t making me suffer and letting those I’ve hurt or lie to watch me suffer. You shielded me. You continue to let me find happiness and joy despite my failures and shortcomings. Matthew 5:45 says Your sun rises of the good and the bad. And I fall into both categories sometimes.

So when I’m mad and it feels like justice isn’t being served, I have to honor You, the one who is Just and Mighty, yet chooses gentleness. You hold the entire fate of the world in your hands. Rather than serve humankind justice, you poured out Grace through Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.

To be like you isn’t to be mighty and powerful, to be like you is to have grace. It is to be meek and gentle.

So God help me. Help me have grace for those who hurt. May you forgive them and show them grace, as you’ve forgiven me, and shown me grace.

Amen.