This Girl's Worth

Boundaries are like curse words. People don’t like discussing them, people like to use them as a weapon, and they mostly show up in situations where people are angry.

However, boundaries are essential for you having a content life. Life is governed by them. There is a reason why there are fences, doors, locks, signs, you name it! The very concept of right and wrong is based off of boundaries.

Most of us struggle with setting boundaries because we feel they can be selfish. Some people set boundaries, even unnecessary ones, to constantly protect themselves, and are, by nature selfish. Often times, we’re on two ends of the spectrum: selfish and selfless. Being selfless is admirable. We all want to be selfless, but being selfless looks different to every person based off of your boundaries.

For example, some people can give away all of their money, but they don’t reciprocate compassion or kindness in any other area of their life. To some, this person could go poor, but because they are unkind, a lot of people would say they are selfish. In general, people do not like to be called selfish, so this poses a problem.

Boundaries are inevitable. We live our entire lives with them, but we set boundaries as a reaction instead of being proactive. We also set them out of fear, instead as of a normal way of being.

For example, when we get into relationships, we tell our partners they are not allowed to do something to us after they’ve done it. How much more effective could we be if we told our partners what we don’t want right away?

It’s even more difficult to enforce our lines. We may be able to tell our boyfriends that looking at a girl’s butt as she walks away is unacceptable, but the minute he does it, we just get upset and might overreact even though all along, we knew it this ever happened, it would bother us.

This could be potential mental oversight. We don’t think our partners will cross our boundaries, so we don’t vocalize them. We also don’t want to overcommunicate. We feel as if we tell our loved ones all of our lines, we’re running them away.

The truth is, boundaries are inevitable. We will have to face them at some point or another. Why? Our boundaries are the most intimate things about us. Our boundaries teach us how to love and consider others. It teaches others how to love us, consider us, and to what depth are they able to love us. If we don’t set them and abide by them, we can’t be fulfilled.

The best thing to do is set them beforehand. But what happens when we are hurt? A boundary has been crossed.

We don’t often think of that. We first think about the magnitude in which someone hurt us. We experience hurt, then anger and all these other range of emotions. However, the process we have to realize that there is no way for us to have full consciousness at all times. Which means boundaries is as much about as being in tune with ourselves as it is about discovery. The painful truth is, sometimes we have to experience what we do not like or what does not feel good to us, to know what boundary to set.

When you’ve been hurt, the temptation is to automatically create the line and set the boundary. However, we don’t want to set boundaries purely out of reaction because they are not true to who we are. Not everything you feel is who you are.

When you’ve been hurt, or your boundary has been crossed, you need to give yourself the space and time to figure out how such a blow made you feel. If you’re a person of faith, then once you are honest about your own feelings, you can dive into the Word. You can also pray specifically for what you need from God. God already knows what you need to heal, but it’s only when we communicate in honesty with Him, that we strengthen our relationship with Him.

Once you discover what you need, it is crucial to set and enforce boundaries that allow you to heal properly. Once you determine what you need to heal and communicate it, stick to it. While you cannot control how someone might respond to you, even if they hurt you, rather than getting caught up on what they should have done, you should focus on communicating your boundaries. You get to determine those boundaries. They get to be on your own terms. Your boundary is your way of creating a safe space and will continue to further allow you to experience intimacy. Think about it, when you feel safe, you are your truest self.

You should never feel guilty for setting guidelines in your life to make sure you can heal. You should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty either. While it may sound extreme, it is truly a matter of life and death. You can live your whole life in bondage to other people’s feelings, wants, and needs, meanwhile you’re suffering on the inside and wasting away. Having empathy for others is fine, but that should not mean you have to accept less consideration of you in the process. If you’re a Christian and wondering if this concept is biblical, God tells us to guard our hearts because everything flows through it. How can you guard your heart while allowing other people to dictate your decisions?

If this is the first time you’re hearing about boundaries, congratulations! While it is difficult to understand when you think about your own life, realizing you can set boundaries means less heartache, less confusion, less obligations and more contentment in the decisions you make.

I can’t wait for you to experience that life and version of yourself!