This Girl's Worth

Let’s talk about it! No one likes talking about it, because it’s the most intimate thing we can do. Even though society cheapens it, it’s the only type of love that God ordains for just one person. It’s the only sin in the Bible described as a sin against ourselves. The act of sex is one thing, but sexual activity encompasses a wide range of activities.

Society just doesn’t equip young people to understand the many facets of sexual exploration. There is dirty talking, kissing, making out, heavy petting, oral sex, and the actual act of sex itself. God created the act of sex for procreation, but it is also meant to deepen the bond and satisfy the needs of a husband and wife.

We know and understand this, but with a world that forces younger people to wait much loner before getting married, in an effort to cope with their sexual desires, well people are doing many things. Most people have had sex by the age 17. While that doesn’t mean that all people are out having sex, chances are, if your kid is not, most of his/ her friends have and are open about that fact.  Couple that with pornography being easier to find than a decent way to watch the news without paying for cable, kids are exposed to or have access to sexual content or activities pretty easily. This can leave people confused.

I’m not discussing this just to talk about sex but to talk about how confusing stepping into your sexuality can be.

As a young woman, I was taught the Biblical understanding of sex. I was also taught to be safe if I ever chose to have sex before marriage. I was even told about men who would indulge me to try to get one thing, but I was no talk to openly discuss it without shame, and my parents could not prepare me for all that came of men sexually violating me.

Being sexually violating is so common that most of our mothers laughed off th behaviors of men as normal. The truth all goes to consent. If someone isn’t willing to have a full in depth conversation about sexual boundaries without empathy, patience, and respect, you should not entertain this person at all. However, I certainly was not taught that.

As I was growing up, young men would make sexual comments towards me that I ignored and laughed off. It felt awkward, but I didn’t want to see too stiff, so even though me would say random sexual things to me, since I had no intentions of having sex with them, or getting anywhere near that.

However, the lines became blurred when I had a friend who randomly expressed interest in me. I didn’t like him and I wasn’t attracted to him, but he was, from what I thought, a sweet genuine guy. I liked those things about m, but I couldn’t see myself being with him. I just didn’t feel it. Soon after he expressed interest in me, he started coming on to me sexually. He tested limits by getting closer and closer to my face for long periods of time, trying to press his pelvic region on me as we hugged, trying to cuddle.

I would reject them, but he always found his way back. I talked with him several times, and each time, I found myself in a situation compromising my morals. He would be extremely sweet, caring, and nice. He would love bomb me, sending me poems, picking me up just to spend time wihh me, texting me nice things, and then he would do something violating. If I said no to something, he was always trying to compromise and do something different, or he would pressure me.

Eventually, while I wanted to wait till I was in a loving relationship, he kissed me forcefully, and I gave in a few times, we exchanged sexual text messages, all so that I could appease the pressure. It appeased the pressure all right. As soon as he didn’t get what he wanted, we communicated less. Essentially, I just decided to cut off the friendship and I felt betrayed.

What I didn’t understand was, if I knew he wasn’t someone I liked enough to date or be physical with, then why did I feel betrayed, confused, and uncomfortable with the whole situation? How did I express all of boundaries and they were ignored or tested?

Long story short, I was manipulated and sexually violated. This so called friend of mine knew that I had no intentions of being physical with him or going anywhere near being sexual with him, but he was the nicest, most considerate, romantic guy he could be until he discovered I would not go where he wanted me to go. Once he discovered that, he tried getting me as close as he could, hoping I’d give in. I went further than I wanted to every time and every time, I tried to set boundaries and talk about, for him to see like he understood, and do the same things again.

It wasn’t as easy to see the signs seeing how we called each other “closest friends”. Being a little older now, a lot of women can probably relate to the fact that they lost their virginity or got a first kiss stolen from a guy who claimed they loved or cared for them, showered them with love, kindness, and tons of pressure to get close to, or the thing they wanted from us. How? Most of us blame ourselves for not seeing something that would be near impossible to recognize.

Women are wired to love certain traits in a man, and even if we may not love the man, we will love the action. We love when men make us feel desired, cared for, appre, and understood. Most men will offer this in some sense because they know it makes you comfortable.

While I also experienced sexual manipulation in my first relationship (and the only relationship and man I ever loved), I now know enough to bring to attention ways of men that can be so subtle, that are sexual violation. I will list them below.

1) When you’ve expressed your sexual boundaries, and he is still trying to get you to go as close to that boundary as possible.

This is clear sexual violation. His hope is that you’ll give in. He’s okay with getting you as close as possible with the idea that it will lessen the sincerity of your boundaries.

For example, you might say no kissing. He might not kiss your lips, but he will kiss your cheek, your forehead, near your mouth, or your neck. He will ask if it’s okay, and you might say yes, thinking it is innocent. However, it is not innocent and very intentional. For the right man who respects you, he will stick to a simple kiss on your cheek, because that delights him. For the wrong man, it won’t be long before those kisses start to feel sexual, and if so, it’s because he intends for them to be.

2) He’s willing to do “it” to you first, and he says that he wants nothing from you.

I won’t get into too much detail, but men manipulate by trying to stimulate you in some sort of way. The entire point is to take the pressure off so it seems like you consent. It’s nothing short of sexual violation.

3) Asking you to do something repeatedly. Coercion.

This can be daily, weekly, monthly. How many times can you ask someone a question before they say yes? We did it as children with desperation. It’s the same for men with young women. It’s manipulation and it’s wrong.

Soon, you’ll go further than you want to go and you will feel guilty for saying yes. Pressure is manipulation and not consent. Do not be fooled.

4) He puts you in compromising positions.

One minute you are watching a movie, and the next, he thinks it is funny to be on top of you. It might be for a brief moment, it might have happened because he tickled you, but something feels perverted about it. That’s because it is.

5) He finds a way to come on to you when the time is emotionally sensitive and vulnerable.

You just had an argument, he shared something really personal, or you just shared something really personal, and then out of nowhere, the moment turns sexual, and it’s never initiated by you. It’s normal to feel closer to someone after opening up, but that doesn’t always mean sexual arousal.

This guy maybe trying to take the opportunity to go further because he feels that you’re open. Normal people can open up to one a other without it tuning physical or sexual.

If you clearly expressed boundaries, if a man trying to find ways to inch closer and closer, he is manipulative and violating. It’s a matter of time before you start to assume responsibility, fall for the coercion, and make a really big mistake. Sure, you might not care about sexting, but when he asks you to have sex for the 20th time this week, don’t chalk it up to his desire for you because of anything you’ve done. It’s all about him, baby girl.

For most women, it happens with a man we trust, who is more sexually experienced than us. It feels like consent because we had trust with this person, we may have violated our own boundaries to trust this person, but trust me, if you end up in this situation, it isn’t your fault. You were/ are being taken advantage of.

The secret to overcoming this: trusting yourself. If it feels perverted, or you’re not 100% sure of the interaction, set the boundary. You’re probably right, this guy does not have good intentions with you. If he can’t stop and have a conversation because it ruins the mood, it’s because whatever he is trying to do is about him, not the both of you.


If you’ve been manipulated, violated, or taken advantage of, it is not your fault. It’s not too late to rewrite your story and set new boundaries. You do not need to count those violations as your experiences, however, you can learn from those experiences. If it feels wrong, perverted, confusing, or just doesn’t feel right. It isn’t. You have justified reason to say no, mean it, and cut it off at any time and point in the interaction.