Being hurt is never a great experience. We’ve all been hurt to some degree. Experiences impact us all differently. Some things are life lessons, we grow out of our own selfishness or expectations some experiences and thus, we are not as easily hurt. We learn that mommies an daddies are just people, they make mistakes, and that’s hard to accept, but once we do, we learn to forgive and heal.
Some things are not so easy to let go of no matter how much time has passed. We tend to lump all hurts into one basic category, however, not all hurts or experiences are the same. Some experiences are traumatic. Trauma can easily be defined as a negative experience that changes how we interact with life.
Our experiences tend to shape how we view things. This is not 100% the case. As a Christian, I do believe that God can give us wisdom and insight into something. I also believe that somethings that are meant to be traumatic, do not always traumatize us. However, when something does traumatize us, it is important to recognize how it is showing up in our lives. Once you’ve been traumatized, these unprocessed emotions show up as triggers.
Another, perhaps clearer, definition of a traumatic experience is “a defining experience that changes how you engage the world in a negative way. ” Once you begin to look at your experiences as traumatic, you can take the necessary effective steps towards recovery.
For the sake of this article, let’s clearly define the parameters for the discussion. We’re not talking about the guy who bumped into you without apologizing at Costco. While those things can certainly ruin the mood in the moment, for the most part, these are normal occurrences in life. If they do bother you in the long run, there are probably deeper issues at hand.
You’re not overthinking that person cutting you off at Costco because it was wrong. Deep down, it made you feel (fill in the blank) weak, disrespected, out of control, incompetent, dumb, and that makes you want to fight back. This is what happens when you’re triggered. You have extreme feelings for normal situations. Most people first recognize their triggers as anxiety, and later, they learn there is unresolved trauma that has created difficulty for dealing with life.
The majority of this article will focus on experiences that caused deep rooted issues, not instances that bring forth deep rooted issues. The example I mentioned above is of the latter. You don’t need to heal from the guy who cut you off at Costco, you need to heal from the impact of the experience that caused those negative emotions that arose in you from such a small situation. Until you deal with that lie you believe about yourself, a kid could cut you off at Costco, and on the wrong day, you might take it personally.
Still not clear of the impact of a traumatic experience. Here is an example that can help.
You and your friend are playing around. You throw pillows at each other, a few marshmallows, and then you gently push them. This other person perceives this as tension and a threat. In your mind, you feel friendly and jovial. Your friend feels the playing went from marshmallows and pillows, to skin to skin contact, meaning the fight is turning serious; so they punch you in the stomach. Naturally, you lean over in pain. The punch was unexpected, hard, painful, humiliating, and shocking. You feel betrayed and confused.
A few things happened here.
1) Your friend failed to communicate the changes while playing around and began to perceive you as a threat.
2) You had no awareness you were now considered a threat. In your eyes, you did nothing wrong.
3) Being punched in the stomach has now changed your idea of playing with this person. Not only are you curious as to why you were punched, but now, you question whether or not it is safe to play with this person.
When experiencing something traumatic, not only the thing itself can be hurtful, but how you are treated after your traumatic experience can further deepen your hurt. Imagine these few reactions from your friend.
1) Your friend bursts into tears, claiming their hand hurts tremendously.
2) Your friend accuses you of starting a fight with them, even if you have never done that before.
3) Your friend apologizes and claims it won’t happen again. You ignore your apprehension and you decide to play with them again.
4) Your friend apologizes profusely and begs for you to play with them. They end up hitting you again. Each time, they apologize for their behavior.
5) Your friend apologizes, but denies the amount of pain you experienced.
None of these scenarios are great responses after you’ve punched in the stomach out of nowhere. Let’s discuss what is wrong with each of these experiences:
In the first response, your friend’s pain may have been legitimate, but they failed to acknowledge how their actions got both of you in this predicament. This reaction communicates that your needs are less important.
The second response places blame rather than chooses to communicate. Your friend isn’t trying to communicate, they are attempting to alleviate responsibility.
The third response is not respective of space and boundaries. While your friend apologized, true empathy is missing. They did not even account for how you might no longer be in position to play since you’re hurt. This kind of response does not respect that you might need some time to recover.
The fourth response lacks emotional maturity. Picture this: In the most simplistic terms, “you hurt me, I have fear because of it, you apologize, I forgive, you continue to hurt me in the same way.” Sounds like a migraine! Begging can also create obligations and takes away your ability to make a comfortable decision. It’s a form of pressure.
The fifth response denies how deeply you’ve been affected.
When a painful experience happens to us, especially when we are young, where there are not many boundaries/ restrictions / rules(typically in our childhoods), it causes injuries in the way we go about life. For example, you might have played freely your entire life, but after this experience, you are cautious. Being cautious is not a bad thing, but being scared to play is not normal.
Many of us walk around without actually assessing how what we went through affected us, and how people’s insensitivity further hurt us.
Essentially, you were kicked when you were already down. So while you may have been beating yourself up for why you can’t shake your painful experience, have grace for yourself. Be patient with yourself. Know as you work on becoming honest with yourself about how much you were impacted, you can begin the recovering. If you’re someone of faith like me, then you know that God’s grace is sufficient, even for other’s shortcomings. Which doesn’t mean they are off the hook, but that God knows what you need to heal and you can bring all of that to Him: the anger, confusion, frustration, fear, and sadness.
Therapy, meditation, journaling, and finding an empathetic support system can also be instrumental in healing from your traumatic experiences.
I know this might be a lot to handle, you may not be ready yet. If anything, just start. Start being honest about why it still hurts.
Everything is temporary. You will heal. ❤️
This Girl's Worth 