Growing up, there was always the assumption that those who struggle forgiving or constantly bring up the past hold grudges. People were, and still are, praised for the ability to allow things to slide off of them and to remain unbothered. Emotional detachment is praised as strength in our society. The truth is, no one is that unbothered.
Real maturity knows pretending to let things slide off of you will not work in the long run. Some, more than others, have simply learned how to process their emotions in a way that does not dictate their reactions and responses.
Processing your emotions is much more achievable and fulfilling than constantly remaining unbothered. Most people are walking around with unresolved hurts, things they refuse to talk about, or even worse, things they haven’t even acknowledged has effected them. We’ve mastered how to move forward without emotional processing, which means we make scars a part of our makeup, and the damage done by others impact the way we look at innocent people.
I’m not here to blame anyone. I’ll be the first to tell you that you need to process, but I wanted to ease your tensions. If you haven’t quite figured out why something bothers you, even after all this time, this one’s for you.
Just to let you know, time does not heal all wounds. It’s what you do in that time given that allows wounds to heal. If you’re not sure if you’ve processed something. Here are a few questions I’d like to give you for consideration:
1) Do you know how something has made you feel?
2)Do you allow yourself, for as long as you need, to feel what is bothering you?
3) Are there someone else’s feelings you are trying to preserve/protect by not being honest with your feelings?
4) When thinking about or talking about what happened, do you tend to minimize your experience or feelings?
5) When you think about the hurt, are there feelings of confusion?
6) Can you genuinely pray for this person, without anger or numbness?
7) Are you still looking for answers or closure about the situation or from this person?
All of these are indicators of needed healing and forgiveness. However, it’s not so simple, when we’ve been hurt, trauma rewires our brain to respond in a certain way.
Our bodies are expertly designed by God and wired for protection. When we experience negative things, the brain says, I don’t like that, and sends all sorts of signals to your brain and your body responds. So our initial reactions are generally based off of information our brains have collected from past experiences.
What does this mean? You have to fight your nature to forgive someone. Even if you ignore your feelings, your experience is stored with your body, and thus, ignoring pain, doesn’t make it go away.
While I’m not a trauma specialist, until you can answer the questions from above accordingly 1) yes 2) yes 3) no 4) no 5) no 6) yes 7) no, there is work to do. Whether that’s by you confronting the past, asking God for revelation through prayer, re-evaluating relationships, or therapy ( I recommend all four), being unbothered and pretending to just move forward may fool the outside world, but you pay a price.
Take the time to heal now, so you don’t spend the rest of your life pretending to have peace.
I made a decision not too long ago. I allowed myself one full year to grieve, be sad, upset, lonely, attend therapy as needed, study my Bible more, not date, to deal with myself. I figured, if I give myself a year to shed the old me and all my pain, I will save myself years of rumination, depression, anxiety, weight and attachment problems,and low self esteem. Basically, I gain my life back.
I don’t know how much time you need, but I promise you, you will be glad you created space for yourself. The best of you is yet to come.
Of course, we feel this happening in our bodies as emotions. We feel it as confusion, intimidation, threat, fear, happiness, contentment, inadequacy cautiousness. Our brains are warning us that we’re approaching the danger zone in some capacity and to respond to protect.
When we’ve been deeply hurt
This Girl's Worth 