This Girl's Worth

If you’re here, you are probably going through a transition in your life that you know logically is right thing to do, but it doesn’t feel the same. These kind of decisions are tough, becuase there is a war inside of you, and you don’t know which one will be the best for you in the long run.

Take my situation for example. I broke up with my boyfriend, the love of my life, who I was in love with on June 29, 2019. I was trying to convince myself that I no longer loved him, but my heart was very much with him. I also knew that being in that relationship felt like dying. I am not being dramatic. I remember slipping away mentally in arguments, waking up with panic attacks, and constantly feeling drained and fatigued. I was so busy trying to fight for the relationship, I didn’t have the energy to fight for myself.

I discusss this because I know I’m not the only one. Not all relationships end when you’re ready. In abusive dynamics, relationships end because they have to. When we choose to break up for good, it is about us, more than it is about them.

In my case, I didn’t like who I had become. This time, after a tumultuous relationship, in the middle of an argument, as I was expressing my feelings, trying my best to remain calm, he called me a miserable person. I paused, and I told him it was the end. He looked at me, started talking and I didn’t hear anything he said in that moment. I cut him off and I said, “No, I am serious this time. I can’t do this anymore. You say you’re trying your hardest and I am trying my hardest and we’re obviously not happy.” His reaction was stoic. He got up from sitting against the wall in my bedroom, and went to the bathroom.

I don’t remember what happened after that point, but I do remember him leaving not too long after that. When he left, I felt a sense of relief. I remembered myself when I met this man on January 23, 2016, and I was a very different person. I was optimistic, empathetic, calm, collected, resourceful, energetic.

I had become angry, resentful, quick to point fingers, and just down right traumatized. I didn’t feel comfortable to hug, kiss, be held, and I was scared of intimacy. I lived in a constant state of confusion. I always felt that I asked for too much, that I wasn’t enough, and that I wasn’t doing enough.

What did I do as a result of our toxic relationship dynamic? Whenever he fell short on his promisees, emotionally abused me, or lied to me, which was often, I verbally attacked him about his shortcomings, fed up, and just trying to be heard.

Still, I loved him, and I would have done anything for him. It hurt me to see that I was changing this way. I tried everything to stay calm, sweet, patient, loving, and caring, but I had to be realistic that a monster was arising in me from the inconsistency and emotional abuse that took place in the relationship.

I knew when I gave up my relationship with him, I would be giving up a sense of comfort, my love, my best and only friend. That terrified me, but I knew I was not good for him or anyone because of the PTSD I had from the relationship. I was afraid to love, because my love was used as a weapon against me.

I guess, some part of me felt loved by him even if the relationship said otherwise. I had to decide the kind of relationship and love I wanted for my life. Just lining up the facts, I knew I was settling. I was settling because of our history, because of how much I loved him, because of how much I sympathized and empathized with him. It’s not easy letting go of something you invested your whole being into.

The question was simple, though the truth took months to come to terms with. Could I see myself reliving what my relationship has been for the next few years? Of course not! He had been all I’d known, though.

I used all of the confusing thoughts to do exactly the opposite of what my heart wanted. I had given everything. I felt like the best of me was with him. From that moment, I knew that I had to let my current life go to discover the life I felt I desrved to live.

My very fears were the reason I made the decision to end the relationship. The same reasons I held on to it for so long became what propelled me to do the very thing that would ease my conscience.

However, as I let the relationship go, I was ambivalent. I felt lighter, less fatigued, and motivated creatively, but I was also rife with confusion, reminiscing on just how deep my love was. Some memories just felt like a suckerpunch to the heart. I felt naive and deceived.

I felt betrayed. I was also breaking up with a version of myself, too.

I realized I stayed longer than I should have hoping for a return on investment. I lost myself for this relationship, what this relationship going to do for me to say thank you? Not a darn thing.

While you shouldn’t love for the sake of return, it hurts when love isn’t being reciprocated. A relationship that takes regularly, but doesn’t pour into a person enough can create insecurity, doubt, depression, anxiety, and fear.

An analogy for you:

Without reciprocation, love is a well that has run dry, and your partner keeps coming back for water. Due to lack of cultivation, you don’t even have the capacity to love the way you used to (you have little to no water). It can make you question whether or not you’re deserving of love anymore. How can you give your all, your best, and there is no reward?

Lack of reciprocity makes you cold. It can be soothing to numb yourself from feeling the side effects of an unfulfilling relationship.

It simply becomes too painful to love and express freely because of fear of rejection from your partner or lack of reciprocity.

No one deserves to feel like the only person who’s naked in the room. A relationship should be a space where both people are open, free, and giving their all, safely. A relationship can only be fulfilling if both people are doing this.

After all is said and done, doubt can make you ponder, “If I’ve given my all, why is it so hard for them to do what’s necessary to make me feel loved?”

A valid statement, but I want to challenge you to try and reframe your breakup.

Hopefully, now you realize no one is worth all that pain. You must realize that there is a deeper love than what you’ve experienced, even if you feel as though you’ve loved as hard as you could.

Love is a cornucopia of emotions, feelings, actions, and decisions. The small things matter more than the grandiose gestures. It’s not enough to just know you’re loved, you should feel it. It should be safe to love. If you’re struggling to love someone with oppeness and selflessness, that is enough to take a step back or walk away.

Imagine, after you’ve let the relationship go, you’ve healed and you’re ready to express yourself again, how much deeper and fulfilled your love will be?

God can bring someone to you, who will show you why that relationship was never easy.

Imagine being with someone who embodies 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 5, not just someone who knows it and can recite it. Imagine you also embody those things freely without fear.

In order to make room, you have to release the thing that is making you betray yourself for the love you deserve.

This will come in three ways:

Sometimes, this new person is self love, a new relationship with God, strengthening the relationship with yourself.

Sometimes, it looks like a different relationship with your same partner where you both have matured and share a new understanding.

Sometimes, it is an entirely new relationship.

Be open to all possibilities, this time around, focusing on never compromising yourself and being the best version of you.

Letting go is never easy. What got me through was reminding myself that when you let something go, don’t live in the what now, live in the what if, the possibility of greater, even if it feels intangible.

I know the God I serve. He is faithful and just. If He called me to marriage, He has a purpose, kingdom driven man for me who abides in God’s word.

If God told you, “You’re going to lose $100, but I have $1100 for you when you do,” would you be okay with that?

I thought so.