So let’s have a super honest conversation. I don’t have a ton of friends. I made a friend purge years ago and kept my distance. I have a few friends in other states, and I know we will always be cool (thinking of you Gwen) , but I don’t have friends that I engage with on a weekly basis. Now that I’m focusing on me, the first thing I noticed is I have so much more time.
Being this alone allowed me to reflect deeply. I didn’t take the necessary time to cultivate meaningful relationships in my last two years of college. While I admit getting into a relationship wasn’t the best in the long run, in terms of good friend options, my pickings were slim. I know for 100% fact that I am not unpleasant to be around, so what’s the deal?
People are busy, we’re not in dorms anymore, and people get stuck in routines. In college, people are looking to make friends. Post college, people are in committed relationships, demanding jobs, various locations, and just tired.
I need to get a livelihood, so I had to figure out what to do. Since I’m protecting my space, the last thing I want to do is not establish the proper boundaries and invite friends into my life who are just looking for someone to leech onto. So, if you’re like me, and you’re in your early twenties, and essentially redefining yourself, then here are some things I’m keeping in mind as I’m building new friendships! Here are my tips.
1) Before you try to find a bunch of friends, learn to love time with yourself.
Do you know if you’re selfish, codependent, have a hard time being alone? I’m not saying to stay without friends, but limit your pursuit of friendships and focus on learning to love being alone. Alone does not always mean lonely.
Tip: give yourself something to look forward to every time you get home. For example, after work, I bought some bath stuff and downloaded a book I’ve been meaning to read, so when I got home, I couldn’t wait to be in my own world and take a nice bath.
2) Do the thing you complained you never had time to do. Start the business, join the group, go to the Bible study, take the workout class.
I was inclined to immediately reach out to the people I wanted to hang out with, instead, I thought of all the things I had been postponing and starting planning out how to add that to my day. Once I did, I didn’t feel as lonely. I went from wishing I could have friends I could call and vent to, to thinking of just exactly how much free time I really had.
Tip: Set some goals and progress trackers. Are you starting a blog? Well, set a goal of 10 posts per month. Once you pack your schedule with purpose driven self loving activities, then figure out how friends will fit into that schedule.
3) Find your place of contentment.
Maybe you want to make friends immediately so you can spend every weekend with them. Life is unpredictable and that could make things worse in the long run if you don’t have an entire life outside of your frienships. Think about what amount of social interaction is good enough to make you fulfilled. Think realistically about what makes you feel good. Maybe, you think you want friends for your everyday life, but in actuality, you need some weekend buddies and a good girl chat once a week.
If you are looking for emotional crutches, please seek a mentor, therapist, or counselor. Friendships should be mutual and reciprocal and you should not seek friendships with the sole intent of what you can get from others.
Tip: work on gaining meaningful connections. Try to find people you really get along with and genuinely like being around. There isn’t anything wrong with hanging out for a night just to get out the house, but we don’t like the friend who only calls when they have no one else. So, don’t be that friend!
4) Look for professional/networking groups near you.
Google, MeetUp, and Facebook contain groups where you can meet up with others who have common interests. Make sure to attend some events, even if you’re alone. Going alone is a great idea because it forces you out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to strangers. It’s only as awkward as you make it. Church is also a fantastic way to get connected. They have fellowship groups for a reason.
Tip: Get connected with a few groups, attend a few events. Make sure to connect with at least one person on social media or get their phone number at each event. Within a week, plan something to meet up outside of the event, so they get to know you.
5) Be open to that coworker.
If you’re like me, work is all about being professional, so I tend to shy away from making friends in a workspace.
Well, if you see a blossoming friendship, don’t stop it, just take it slow. Start with an after work activity, such as a workout class, or lunches together. Then progress to texting, and then calling. Set clear boundaries for your workspace though. Your priority is work while there. Don’t let friends get in the way of your paycheck.
Tip: In the beginning of your friendship, you might be inclined to talk just about work. Challenge yourself outside of work to talk about something else. Even if you bond on a show or artist that you both love, that’s a great start. If the conversation gets dry, feel free to end the hangout session early and get back to work. Don’t try to force, prolong, or make anything work.
6) Keep significant others out of the picture in the beginning.
If you are dating, great for you! If you’re trying to build friendships, always bringing the boyfriend around can make others feel like the third wheel. It’s essentially like building a fence around yourself. Now others feel like they have to connect with two people, and that can be a lot of pressure for a burgeoning friendship.
Tip: Keep him incognito so people do not feel like the third wheel. If your boyfriend must be involved, then give them a warning, and offer to let them bring a guest so they don’t feel alone. Put in extra effort to make them feel comfortable by including them in all conversations.
I hope these tips are useful for you. I’ll keep you updated on my journey. I’m one step closer to a fuller, more fulfilled life!
This Girl's Worth 